I've been convicted lately about boastfulness. I'll be the first to admit that many a sentence sounds like this from my lips: "oh yeah, I got this dress at Macy's for SIX BUCKS!!! [OR] "this couch is from Craigslist basically brand new for $$$." I also tend to speak in terms of money when I'm around other people, namely those who are in the same stage of life as we are. Elaborating endlessly on all the "great deals" we find, or how to cut corners, and really, I see that this worship of being cheap is just a different way to idolize money and boast in how great of a job we're doing. Instead, wouldn't it be better to give glory to God for from him all blessings flow? It wasn't ME who chose to shop in a frugal way, it was the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and God's grace alone that a better financial decision was made. I am looking at this from a few angles.

The first angle: being cheap sometimes means that one can obtain more. The less spent on one item merits more spending on other little things. Things that might not be essential, and signifies that we as people desire wiggle room in our budgets to feel secure. Being frugal allows us to make more purchases, thus the pursuit of stuff is not diminished, but justified by it's price tag.

Angle two: Boasting in our 'awesome finds' makes us seem shopper savvy, or financially responsible, but might be a clue that we idolize money so much that we are still misusing it, not to further the Gospel, or be sacrificial.

I don't want to become legalistic on this issue, but I do feel it is important to keep the "last taboo," somewhat reserved. Admitting fully, that I am remarkably guilty of bragging about how much we acquire from Craigslist or sales items. I want Jesus to receive the glory for the lifestyle we are blessed with. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."~James 1:17

THANK YOU CARDS

lately, i've been pondering the concept of thank you cards. most of the women i know have a weird fixation on thank you cards and making sure they either send or receive them. i am no different, i love to collect different kinds, and have them blank & on hand. i've even heard people complain when they haven't received one, or a new mom suffer in shame because she couldn't get the baby shower thank you's out in time. what is the deal with thank you cards?
i want to propose this, that a good deal of giving is in fact, not gracious at all. people remember what they've given, and want to be praised or rewarded through a piece of paper. if a thank you note isn't given then the person is butt hurt (for lack of a better term), and they judge that person. "why couldn't sally get her thank you's done for her wedding/birthday/baby shower? I ALWAYS get mine done, and I have 8 kids running around! BLAH BLAH BLAH." a sense of pride and judgment completely clouds what was supposed to be a generous act in the first place.
this got me thinking...how many thank you cards do i owe my parents? they've contributed both emotionally and financially an absurd amount of energy into me, and i haven't given them some lousy note every time it called for one. to take it a step further, how many thank you cards do i owe Jesus? thank you for grace, for oxygen, for keeping me from a car accident, for health, for trials...
thank you cards, although i'm quite sure i will continue to use them, have become a conduit to keeping up with social norms and lends to arrogance at times. i'm not saying every person who utilizes one is truly doing it to demonstrate proper etiquette, however, i do recognize that honest generosity doesn't EXPECT anything in return. NOTHING.
my very good friend, and perhaps THE most considerate person i know was coaching me on this last week as i was offended and hurt by the actions of some friends that Caleb and i have. she gently told me that i have to readjust my expectations of those people because they are not capable of being accommodating, gracious or compassionate towards us. if i enter into situations with them, or people like them, i won't feel let down, and my motivations will be honest and true. i know that i have the propensity to do the right thing for the wrong reason. just as thank you cards have that potential.
the gist: love and give generously because the Lord has done so with you...and don't expect the same behavior, devotion or a THANK YOU card in return :)

*KBA*
Continuing to learn about people, life and grace.

Old cynical rantings that I found...

very embarrassing thoughts, and not shared out of pride or arrogance, but merely amusement and humility. coming up on 2years of marriage with the most amazing man in the world...finding pages of sloppy cursive left me giggling at myself:


So much of my feelings, or persona in general are summed up in Joni Mitchell's 'Cactus Tree.' Many have been quick to like me, yet my unconvinced and fickle heart chooses solitude over romance. "Too busy being free," are the lyrics to that intelligent song, and yes, someone pin-pointed it for me- who would love a girl whose priorities are ever changing? No rational man would choose to pursue a girl who doesn't seemingly desire to "stay put," or as my parents say, "land." What does it mean to "land?" Does it mean to arrive? We never truly arrive as humans. Does it mean arriving at the point of adulthood via marriage and commitment? And why would I assume that just because I arrived at the milestone of marriage that I would be done "arriving?" I will never cease internal and external change. Not only will my body grow slack and less appealing, but my view on the world; it's people and life in general will consistently change. How can I commit to loving and lawfully belonging to one person when they may very well wake up one day and hate me?

I am now aged twenty two years, and I look back at the girl I was only three years ago and barely relate. Who was she? More so, who will 'he' be in three years? What will be important to him, whoever 'he' is? I'll say one thing, however, this year has been a better one as far as "staying put" goes. My parents find their daughter's frequent relocation dreadfully aggravating. Seattle's slow and collected nature serves me well. The cruel irony of life is that I belong on the East coast despite my upbringing, yet I recognize my priority to be near my family. I guess I've learned Some things that please me, or make me tick rather. I am blessed by my learnings these last thirty-six months. Now who will I find to relate to me?

It's funny because I truly believe that God wants me to recognize the possibilities he has for me. I find it silly yet naive to cling to the adoration of ONE person. I ask again, Now who will I find to relate to me? Either I am too experienced, too concerned about eating healthy, or I'm too high strung, or too young...too old...there's always, and I mean always some unchangeable variable that automatically eliminates any potential. I will not stop working like a mad woman, and I will be educated, bold, well traveled, and those truths I consider built into who I am.

No one will relate to me perfectly. People are selfish and ever changing so why fool oneself into thinking you can settle into marriage? The only one for me is Jesus. Yes, the Sunday school, cute answer. But seriously, I am being realistic about what I know is unwavering and really, the Love of God is it. Does this resound of cynical ideals? Well, sure, at least I can go on a practical theory. It's funny how I've actually tried to believe for the last year that God has someone for me. He could, but this life is not about ME and Really I should aim to serve God and not my own petitions.
I want to give the Lord all of my heart, and I want him to take it. In fact, this is the only hope I have to feel somewhat secure in this time. I've come to accept that there is no one for me. This is not dramatic. I am not closed off. If I met someone whom I really hit it off with, someone who would encourage my walk with God, I would throw all of my cynical thoughts out the window and give it a shot. "Everything has a time and season under heaven." Ecc 3:11 So maybe...just maybe I will have a season of Love. Who knows.

rallying for Jesus

lately, upon chatting with friends i've noticed a strong desire deep within me to express my passions for certain topics, but finding a gentle tug at my heart steering me in a different direction.
i love research. There is no greater afternoon for me than one filled with gaining insight, usually via reading although sometimes through situations. While i was pregnant i read over ten books on midwifery, breastfeeding, postpartum, and attachment parenting. Like my eldest sister, i am becoming increasingly informed on carseat safety, and find that i want to scream from a mountain top with a megaphone that parents are ridiculous to take their chances when it comes to cars. But i know...something in me says-be edifying in your relationships, have grace. It is exceedingly challenging for me. And i have to handle it with kid gloves otherwise my tenacity can be bruising. It is by God's grace that the lion in me doesn't attack others for choosing different paths, options, etc.
at Mars Hill this last Sunday, Pastor Mark explained it this way: if you are a die hard democrat then you demonize republicans. Because we worship the things we are most passionate about. We take good things and make them god things. Little g- god things. And it struck Caleb and I. Even though i constantly have to remind myself that i only need to rally for the person and work of Jesus.
I shouldn't demonize women who don't breastfeed, or people who forward face their kids before the recommended age. I wish i could just not care. What it comes down to is my pride and imposed righteousness regarding those topics. Even if i did know more, or different points it is not going to show grace or point to Jesus.
Lord, i pray that i can be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend who above all else, lives for your reputation.

conviction no more?

is it possible to go through seasons of conviction? During what has become weekly coffee and accountability with a friend i had to sheepishly discuss the fact that i reactivated one of my two former online networking sites. She told me that stepping away for a season may have been an adequate break, but to honestly evaluate my time spent, and how it can affect my thought life. And really, thus far, i don't feel like having facebook is a stumbling block...sure, there are some people on my friends list whom i have zero reason to foster a relationship with, but on the whole, the same pressing feeling isn't there as it was in February.

so, i have to assume, that as we are set free from certain burdens as we walk through life, that our convictions can and do change? I do want to continue to be prayerful around the matter, and respectful to Caleb because he isn't too keen on social networking. if i start to sense that having a profile completely about myself is getting in the way of where I want my identity to reside which is Jesus, than it's time for the account to go [again].

it's kind of embarrassing to present these struggles for all to see, but I guess one could call it accountability? ;)

that's all, short blog...i'm exhausted and Caleb just returned from hanging out with the guys so I want to go close out the day with him!

KBA

A memory to forget

Few memories of my Grandma stand out the way one evening does. A girl friend, Lindsey Lovette; the neighborhood wild child at age seven, was staying the night with me at my Grandma Marie's apartment. It was a seedy dive of a building where she, unlike her wealthy siblings had chosen to live out the remaining years of her life. My grandfather, who died a few months before I was born, had owned a Chinese restaurant in downtown Pasco for over thirty years. It burned down near the same time as lung cancer started to claim his existence. My Grandma worked day in and day out at the restaurant, and in loving her husband whom she married at a ripe age. Widowed, and without church, her only grandchild, a girl, became her reason to live.

Birthdays, and holidays seemed to merit a spending spree in the toy aisle at K-Mart. She would take me there, allow me to fill the cart with Barbies and accessories which I had to swear not to tell my dad about lest he have "a hissy fit." She was 4'11'', a plump and pretty Chinese woman whose laugh I will never get over, and think on some fifteen years later as I celebrate life's joys without her.

As her health deteriorated the effects became noticeable externally. Before suffering a crippling stroke, she experienced cataracts in her left eye. Emotionally, she wanted to enjoy our relationship the way she had, but stressful situations provided more strain. The night that Lindsey Lovette became my first and only guest to stay at Grandma's, haunts me to this day. My trouble making peer shamelessly shoved a gum wrapper into the couch cushion. When Grandma Marie found it she was furious. Outraged. She asked who had committed the crime, and neither of us wanted to own up to it. She stood staring at us with her left eye struggling to see, not really resembling the woman who had played such a central role in the first seven years of my life. Lindsey snickered at her from an arm chair. I wanted to crawl into the couch cushions with the gum wrapper for allowing such disrespect to play out in my Grandmother's home.
No one had treated her that way. And, at an immature age, of course I didn't know how to make restitution, I just chuckled along with Lindsey and tried to play it off.

I think it would have been less impressionable had her waning health not shown itself. Now, I look back and hope that she knew how much I truly adored her. How I wish she could have been at my wedding, or met our son. My great desire is that I will remember all of our jovial moments and put this one incident to rest. For regret will eat away at the soul.

Judging Others...

I'm guilty. I admit it. I've judged, and judged, and judged some more. When one gets married, the judging only increases except now there is a partner in crime who happens to be like minded. By God's grace, Caleb and I are constantly having truths about life exposed to us. The Holy Spirit continues to convict us of how we too are flawed and need to "remove the plank out of our own eye."

After social evenings, Caleb likes to have a cigar and process his more philosophical thoughts out loud to me. I try to keep my drowsiness at bay as I find his candidness both refreshing and interesting. I feel blessed that he always arrives at the mantra of our lives which is, we need Jesus. Everything in our life should point to Jesus and we should bring glory to him by the way we LOVE. It's too easy to fall into the trap of judging other couples when you're married, or engaged people, or how others choose to raise their kids. Caleb reminded me recently that we shouldn't spend our time discussing our opinions on the people in our life as soon as we're behind closed doors. We should simply aim to LOVE them, and love them well.

I doubt we could possibly muster the amount of grace it would take to coexist with others peacefully at all times. We need the Lord. Driscoll often preaches that there are open handed issues in the church (attire, alcohol, indie rock, etc) and there are closed handed issues (Jesus is God). The open handed issues are secondary and ultimately have the propensity to cause division. In our marriage, we have really learned a lot from two very mature and godly couples who do not push their agenda on others. They love, and let live- if I can rewrite the cliche a little bit! Caleb wisely informed me that we will never "arrive" as a couple, and we probably wouldn't even know if we were at that place where we feel our mentors are. He told me that, the scariest thing of all, is that we have judged people in our lives creating blinders to some of our own flaws. The matters that we are passionate about are for us, and we must fervantly strive to care for those subjects respectfully.

There is no one right way to do things. No perfect financial plan, dietary plan, parenting plan, or cadence for how to live. I am trying to adopt this ideology so that Jesus can be exemplified in my life. God knew that I would need a man who allowed the Holy Spirit to work in his life and therefore those changes in his heart would trickle down to me. It's really challenging for me to guard my tongue at times. Kymm in high school would drive the point home with people until they were either offended, or belittled, or both. I was by definition, a jerk with a big mouth.
I think my family expects that person, and by God's grace, my heart is being transformed. It may be a long bumpy road, but I am submitting my life to the authority of scripture and the counsel of my husband. I don't want my initial responses to my friends and family to be an adjudication of how they choose to live. I pray that the Lord strips me of a haughty disposition.

It's going to be a long journey...


~To Kendra & Josh...David & Michelle....thank you for being instrumental in our life!~

Spiritual Gifts

My women's group has been going through 1 Corinthians, while simultaneously listening to a podCast from Mars Hill. I am enjoying it very much, as I think it is a highly sought after book in the Bible, and of course, I couldn't ask for a better podCast series.
We have arrived at chapter 12...and it I am beginning to see where my opinion not only varies, but could almost be taken as alarming apathy toward Spiritual Gifts. I would suggest that my demeanor derives from many years at a church that doesn't place tremendous emphasis on Spiritual Gifts-yet doesn't negate that they exist. For me, I've really been conditioned to think-it's all about Jesus...it's only about Jesus...it's always about Jesus.
I haven't really given the other facets that accompany "Christianity" a second thought. I don't care what man can do. Even if the Lord gives another person a gift, I am not taken aback by it, because I am a little more skeptical...cynical...and don't focus too much on what people do.
I want to know the heart of Christ. Yes, at the end of Chapter 12, Paul (not Jesus), directs us to desire the gifts, however I feel the gifts themselves take on more controversy, and a deep yearning by cessationists than the longing that should ONLY be for Christ himself.
I DO believe that Spiritual Gifts are important to living out the Gospel in a humble, as my friend Angie would say: "non-flashy" way. When Driscoll preached on this subject, he inferred that we can look at our lives, see our aptitudes, and probably discern our personal gifting.
We should strive to operate under the power of the Holy Spirit so much, that we allow him to convict us of how to use our gifts in certain capacities. Gifts will be different during different seasons. I grew up singing in church from age 5 until 21...and then I felt at peace about now being in music ministry and taking up a toilet scrubber at Mars Hill, and coordinating my Community Group. I have tremendous peace about where God chooses to use me in different seasons. I am (hopefully not offensively) against Spiritual Gifts Tests for a host of reasons; they could be inaccurate, people take them for gold, they focus on the individual. The Bible doesn't tell us to figure out what our Spiritual Gifts are so that we can solely rely on them to witness or live a godly life. Knowing God...deeply longing for his heart, and extending grace is the best witness of all, and the most difficult thing to do. Sure, having a the gift of discernment will allow one to choose their company wisely, or flee from evil, but it is only part of what we are called to do.
"The greater way," as Paul describes it segueing into chapter 13, is to LOVE. Because God is love. Instead of really living out chapter 13, which tells us how to love, and that we will only have knowledge "in part," Christians are often still hung up on chapter 12 and the understanding of Spiritual Gifts.
Am I wrong for being seemingly irritated by this issue? I do think there is importance around the subject, but it is not the end goal as so many churches teach. Yes, I feel it should be taught, but always as a means to point to Christ, and him crucified.

Thoughts on home birth

it's time to blog as if people really read/care about what i'm writing anyway...i feel it might be therapeutic to just type randomness as it pops up. after all, both noah, and the little guy i nanny are sleeping.

i am currently addicted to co-sleeping and nursing my little guy as i see how happy it makes him. i think my husband loves co-sleeping too, because even though our feet are the only parts that get to "cuddle," he seems okay with it. Just the other night i went to lay sleeping noah in his arms reach co-sleeper next to our bed, and caleb said, "aw, you're gonna lay him in there?" in kind of a sad, dejected sort of way. it was cute. we love having our little guy in bed with us. what can i say, as caleb put it, "you're a modern hippy, kymm."

having noah in a tub, at home was one of the coolest experiences i've ever had. caleb and i were able to play guitar hero and eat cereal (my fave) during my labor. we practiced all the things we learned in hypno-birthing classes, which helped me through transition-since i didn't even know i was in transition! who needs an epi? honestly, i still give the glory and praise to God for allowing us to have the unmedicated, safe home birth that we did. i prayed and prayed for it to turn out exactly how it did, and he honored that-what a treat.
from about 14wks until noah arrived i enjoyed being pregnant and learning as much as possible via books and research about pregnancy, postpartum and breastfeeding. i think it helped me to read up and really do my homework because all too often women are lambasted with advice and [horror] stories about what pregnancy & birth supposedly are.
i shutter to think about where american obstetrics and gynocology are going. there is a complete lack of trust in the human body, and perhaps, had i not had enough faith that the Lord designed my body to give birth to a baby [naturally] than i too would be strapped to a bed enduring all that the AMA (& ACOG) perfers to practice.
the truth of the matter is, 90% of women who GO to the hospital WILL have an epidural and a possibly/probably a series of other interventions. and the real truth of the matter is, in the back of every woman's mind-that's okay. i knew that if i went to a hospital that i would for sure give in, and need an epidural. a home birth, or birth center was simply the only way FOR me. what i think is abundantly clear, is that women are made to feel that their bodies are inadequate, and will not be able to carry out the great task of birth on their own. it's simply not true, not for the 95% of all women who have healthy pregnancies.
i know that the fear factor kicks in. as soon as i knew i was in labor the pain did something to my mind that made me scared. what if i did need to go to the hospital to manage the pain? luckily, i stuck it out. the fear was real though...maybe it was the oxytocin kicking in, and rather than fear it was the protective motherly vibe? who knows. what i am saying, is that i understand why women feel they need to have babies in the hospital...i just wish the "old way" of doing things weren't frowned upon so blatantly so that women were able to really choose.

i guess that's all for now...i better go check on noah-i traded our baby monitors in for an electric pump so now i get to burn calories by running up and down the stairs to check on him every 10-15min LOL

Handling Betrayal

I once heard a podCast from Pastor Matt Chandler of the Village Church in Texas, where he addressed how Jesus was fully man, and fully God. He illustrated this by describing some of the situations and emotions that Jesus had to endure, and by recognizing him as fully man, we can look to him for understanding, empathy and grace.

Betrayal.

be⋅tray /bɪˈtreɪ/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [bi-trey] –verb (used with object)

1.	to deliver or expose to an enemy by treachery or disloyalty: Benedict Arnold betrayed his country.

2.	to be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling: to betray a trust.

3.	to disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to: to betray one's friends.

4.	to reveal or disclose in violation of confidence: to betray a secret.

5.	to reveal unconsciously (something one would preferably conceal): Her nervousness betrays her insecurity.

6.	to show or exhibit; reveal; disclose: an unfeeling remark that betrays his lack of concern.

7.	to deceive, misguide, or corrupt: a young lawyer betrayed by political ambitions into irreparable folly.

8.	to seduce and desert

Jesus was betrayed by Judas, and other disciples who hid and claimed not to be associated with him when Jesus was taken captive prior to his crucifixion. If a close friend, your "dog," "homie", BFF, or acquaintance breached your trust and confidence, the first reactions are likely to be hurt, anger, possibly confusion.

I have been betrayed a few times in my life...someone either rightfully, or immaturely took something that I said or did and held it against me. And instead of addressing their concerns with me they chose to slander my name, causing defamation of my character, and ultimately shaped the opinion of others regarding who I am. Without knowing my true heart. Without giving me the opportunity to be candid. I am my mother's daughter, filled with tenacity and striving for truth. I only want to be like Jesus. I want to know him, and love him, and experience his grace every day of my life.

And I have to say, it breaks my heart that there is a tremendous lack of grace and understanding within relationships. I recognize that I need Jesus, that I am not perfect, and that too often, I am the one pointing the finger and need to pull the plank out of my own eye. I get that. Humility must ensue in my development as a person and as a Christian.

Jesus was humble. Jesus was misunderstood. He was murdered because he was misunderstood. He was betrayed by a brother within his closest group of buddies.
And he handled it well...with love and compassion, and knew that it had to be that way in order for the Old Testament prophecies to be fulfilled. His suffering was by divine appointment.

So what does our offense do for us? It causes us to relate to Jesus. To know that we aren't in Heaven, and that being on Earth sucks sometimes. We are being sanctified. When I have felt betrayal the few times that I have over the years; and I'm not talking middle school drama, I'm talking about a major breach of trust, I have had to evaluate my reaction and the state of my heart in order to deal with it. I want all things in my life to point to Christ and him crucified (1 Corinthians 2:2) and choose to seek reconciliation and restitution.

practicing 1 Corinthians in a way that applies to me

my husband, who doesn't really seem to care about having an "online presence," always said he didn't like to bother with trying to reconnect with the past. he, since i met him, has never been especially fond of social networking sites, and prefers to live in the now fostering the relationships that are right in front of him. i always understood what he meant, but being a woman; which often times means being either nosy, curious, overly connected, and overly committed, i continued to embrace social networking because i felt like i could manage those relationships and my family.

alas, i was finally convicted to deactivate my accounts as i feel the time and energy spent is no longer edifying to me, my marriage, and my time. some of the comments or very belabored lip service that is tossed around on facebook and myspace would all but make me gag.

Additionally, my mom and i decided that, there is a chance that having those accounts could become more about self gratification than the easy answer, "oh, i just like to stay in touch." which is probably a genuine reason for most people, but my conscience was telling me that it was no longer legitimate for me. (although, people who really want to stay in contact can text, call, or email me, and vice versa.) my friend wendy was holding me accountable so that i wouldn't spend time on the internet while my hubby was home, that way he felt valued, but after much prayer and peace from the Holy Spirit i knew that wasn't enough.

i am not going to judge my family and friends who still have accounts, but i know my character is affected because i am more susceptible to buying into and believing certain things simply by being able to lurk around on people's profile pages. i am done with past relationships; certain friendships, ex-boyfriends, etc, and have really no room to stay connected just to save face or for generosity sake.

also, i have the extreme potential to become puffed up with pride regarding people's picture comments to my current appearance as if that matters in the grand scheme of things. i want to be beautiful in Christ. i want to be fit to for health reasons, not for affirmation. satan uses lies in my head against me to shift my focus from Christ to myself. i am done with it.

and, i am too sensitive to all the little connections other people have to either my past or to caleb's. it is simply not edifying. and other couples, other individuals will not have this same rationale because they don't struggle with it as i do, and that is okay. we talked in our Bible study this last week about a podCast from Mars Hill that encouraged us to "restrict ourselves from certain freedoms." because the Bible says that, "all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial," so where i do not have any issue with alcohol potentially causing me to stumble or become a vice, i can easily waste time on a social networking account. i am more prone to passing judgment, or forcing a frivolous relationship, when i could be reading or writing, or spending quality time doing something else. i am restricting myself from something that is a free option, and yet a stumbling block.

caleb was right all along to leave certain people, and seasons of life for nostalgia. i know that now.

Sharing our life, sharing our bed...

I love co-sleeping with our son, Noah. He will be 5 months on February, 11th, and he has slept in our room literally since the day he was born. I am still breastfeeding, and find it both convenient and necessary for Noah's dietary needs. Below are some facts taken from various sources regarding co-sleeping (aka: room sharing, bed sharing). Having Noah in the Arms Reach Co-sleeper next to the bed where I can pull him out to nurse allows both Caleb and I to rest soundly, never fully wake-even to nurse, and enjoy waking up as a family. The morning is when our little guy is in the best mood all day and he just smiles and is happy that our faces are the first thing he sees.

*Co-sleeping; room sharing with baby, is perfectly normal. In most countries around the world, children co-sleep until age 5, not saying that I plan to do so.

*Co-sleeping/bed sharing, provides both emotional and nutritional benefits for baby-especially when nursing exclusively.

*Epidemiological data show that, in the presence of an adult caregiver, roomsharing infants are approximately half as likely to die of SIDS than infants sleeping either alone, or in the same room as siblings.

*A baby's nervous system is wired to signal danger if left with no sensory contact with the mother or other caregiver.

*High brain levels of stress in baby result in higher levels of stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol can lead to lasting changes in important brain structures.

*After gestation; where baby can hear mom, feel her breathing, it's no wonder baby longs and needs to be near her night and day.

*Sleep-sharing pairs showed more synchronous arousals than when sleeping separately. When one member of the pair stirred, coughed, or changed sleeping stages, the other member also changed, often without awakening.

So here is what we've been taught, manage your baby. Control him. Teach her to sleep through the night via phases, methods, and foods. One mother put it perfectly when she stated that nothing about a baby's eating nor sleeping patterns is similar to that of an adult, yet many, many books make millions each year from eager parents who want to reveal to their peers that, "little Billy does sleep through the night!" I want to know how the average adult would feel if someone put them under such high expectations to comply with methods to control their slumber? Or perhaps, it is because we cannot empathize given that we ourselves cannot completely remember those feelings.

Until about 12 months a child cannot remember it's primary caregiver's face. If that person leaves the room, the child might protest with tears because they believe the caregiver is gone forever.

There are a lot of myths about co-sleeping and bedsharing, the number one reason is in regards to suffocation of the infant. However, new studies have proven that regular, responsible co-sleeping parents who do not smoke, and are not under the influence of alcohol or extreme fatigue, will in fact adapt to and maintain awareness of their infant. If and when Noah passes out in our bed, we make sure to sleep in such a way where pillows and blankets cannot suffocate him. When he stirs during the night one of us is right there to soothe him. We never have to walk across the hall and spend 15-25min calming him down.


I think most new moms do not plan to co-sleep. The market for nursery gear wouldn't thrive the way it does if so. I'll admit, I figured I would co-sleep, but I still have a beautiful crib with matching changing table, and bedding to boot. Noah has yet to ever take a nap or sleep in his "nursery." And, while this bugs my mother a bit, I cannot back down from what is a well oiled machine. Noah will not sleep in our master bedroom forever, but while he's a baby, nursing, and proving to need night time comfort, he will get it. Not just for empathy sake, but for the good of the order.

*KBA*


Referenced: AskDrSears.com, R.G. Carpenter et al., "Sudden and Unexplained Infant Death in 20 Regions of Europe: Case Control Study, J.J. McKenna and L.E. Volpe

Ensenada, my love

just a few days after our vows were declared
I found myself in your arms taking in the warm Mexico sun
bumping through the streets in a rickety tour bus
the same bus that would later collide with a battered blue truck and leave all a little stunned

and there in Ensenada I knew I would love you all my life
I felt entrenched by the faith I had in both marriage and in you
watching children run bare footed up dusty streets
wondering what it would be like to have children of our own

part of my heart rests in the memory of our time there
in those early days after taking on your monogram
and every day after has been a whirlwind of alchemy and prayers
always striving to be the wife you deserve, and never forgetting
Ensenada, my love

*to: Caleb Marc*

The Ugly Side of Things

Does everyone have an ugly side?
Clearly, people become angry, frustrated, frazzled, and dismayed at times...
But what I have been questioning is whether or not there is a really out of control, nasty side of each person walking on this planet.

Maybe impoverished and starving children in other countries are exempt from this said flip side of the personality...they are just getting by...
Should it be suggested that the overly blessed are the ones who because of selfishness get to the point of displaying the unattractive side.

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."- James 3:16

What would I be like without the constant [God-given] desire for transformation?
I'm sure my family members, and peers from school could attest to the cantankerous, and diva-like mannerisms I am still trying to strip from myself.
The uglier side yet, would be a negative and harsh way with words during "battle."

I've been contemplating this uglier side of the human condition because, as mentioned in my first blog, we are constantly in comparison with others. I want to know if the people within in my sphere are just as guilty as I am at times. Maybe not all the time, or with the same level of frequency, but I think I want to know that I'm not the only one.

Maybe if I knew, it would give me some form of justification in my flawed nature.
Though, I seem to recall from scripture that "No one is good, only God is good," (Mark 10:18), and that either fuels my rational that it's okay to be a jerk at times, or motivates me to want the heart of God. To be good.

What does it look like to dismantle what psychologists would declare as scars from childhood, or the effects of environmental stress? Too often we make allowance for our actions and reactions towards those in our lives and in our circumstances.

True regeneration of the heart comes from the Lord who "works all things together for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28) I cannot personally choose to change my motivations and intentions because they are inherently selfish. For most people, the end goal of life is to be able to say: "I was a good person, and I was happy." Sadly, I don't think those are measurable terms.

The ugly side will rear it's head eventually at which point families reach division, opinions are shaped, and personal expectations are dissolved into disappointment. More and more, it is obvious to me that without accountability through the profession of sins, and affection towards Jesus Christ, I would be incapable of being a wife, mother, sister, daughter. I personally am fraught with iniquity.