A memory to forget

Few memories of my Grandma stand out the way one evening does. A girl friend, Lindsey Lovette; the neighborhood wild child at age seven, was staying the night with me at my Grandma Marie's apartment. It was a seedy dive of a building where she, unlike her wealthy siblings had chosen to live out the remaining years of her life. My grandfather, who died a few months before I was born, had owned a Chinese restaurant in downtown Pasco for over thirty years. It burned down near the same time as lung cancer started to claim his existence. My Grandma worked day in and day out at the restaurant, and in loving her husband whom she married at a ripe age. Widowed, and without church, her only grandchild, a girl, became her reason to live.

Birthdays, and holidays seemed to merit a spending spree in the toy aisle at K-Mart. She would take me there, allow me to fill the cart with Barbies and accessories which I had to swear not to tell my dad about lest he have "a hissy fit." She was 4'11'', a plump and pretty Chinese woman whose laugh I will never get over, and think on some fifteen years later as I celebrate life's joys without her.

As her health deteriorated the effects became noticeable externally. Before suffering a crippling stroke, she experienced cataracts in her left eye. Emotionally, she wanted to enjoy our relationship the way she had, but stressful situations provided more strain. The night that Lindsey Lovette became my first and only guest to stay at Grandma's, haunts me to this day. My trouble making peer shamelessly shoved a gum wrapper into the couch cushion. When Grandma Marie found it she was furious. Outraged. She asked who had committed the crime, and neither of us wanted to own up to it. She stood staring at us with her left eye struggling to see, not really resembling the woman who had played such a central role in the first seven years of my life. Lindsey snickered at her from an arm chair. I wanted to crawl into the couch cushions with the gum wrapper for allowing such disrespect to play out in my Grandmother's home.
No one had treated her that way. And, at an immature age, of course I didn't know how to make restitution, I just chuckled along with Lindsey and tried to play it off.

I think it would have been less impressionable had her waning health not shown itself. Now, I look back and hope that she knew how much I truly adored her. How I wish she could have been at my wedding, or met our son. My great desire is that I will remember all of our jovial moments and put this one incident to rest. For regret will eat away at the soul.

Judging Others...

I'm guilty. I admit it. I've judged, and judged, and judged some more. When one gets married, the judging only increases except now there is a partner in crime who happens to be like minded. By God's grace, Caleb and I are constantly having truths about life exposed to us. The Holy Spirit continues to convict us of how we too are flawed and need to "remove the plank out of our own eye."

After social evenings, Caleb likes to have a cigar and process his more philosophical thoughts out loud to me. I try to keep my drowsiness at bay as I find his candidness both refreshing and interesting. I feel blessed that he always arrives at the mantra of our lives which is, we need Jesus. Everything in our life should point to Jesus and we should bring glory to him by the way we LOVE. It's too easy to fall into the trap of judging other couples when you're married, or engaged people, or how others choose to raise their kids. Caleb reminded me recently that we shouldn't spend our time discussing our opinions on the people in our life as soon as we're behind closed doors. We should simply aim to LOVE them, and love them well.

I doubt we could possibly muster the amount of grace it would take to coexist with others peacefully at all times. We need the Lord. Driscoll often preaches that there are open handed issues in the church (attire, alcohol, indie rock, etc) and there are closed handed issues (Jesus is God). The open handed issues are secondary and ultimately have the propensity to cause division. In our marriage, we have really learned a lot from two very mature and godly couples who do not push their agenda on others. They love, and let live- if I can rewrite the cliche a little bit! Caleb wisely informed me that we will never "arrive" as a couple, and we probably wouldn't even know if we were at that place where we feel our mentors are. He told me that, the scariest thing of all, is that we have judged people in our lives creating blinders to some of our own flaws. The matters that we are passionate about are for us, and we must fervantly strive to care for those subjects respectfully.

There is no one right way to do things. No perfect financial plan, dietary plan, parenting plan, or cadence for how to live. I am trying to adopt this ideology so that Jesus can be exemplified in my life. God knew that I would need a man who allowed the Holy Spirit to work in his life and therefore those changes in his heart would trickle down to me. It's really challenging for me to guard my tongue at times. Kymm in high school would drive the point home with people until they were either offended, or belittled, or both. I was by definition, a jerk with a big mouth.
I think my family expects that person, and by God's grace, my heart is being transformed. It may be a long bumpy road, but I am submitting my life to the authority of scripture and the counsel of my husband. I don't want my initial responses to my friends and family to be an adjudication of how they choose to live. I pray that the Lord strips me of a haughty disposition.

It's going to be a long journey...


~To Kendra & Josh...David & Michelle....thank you for being instrumental in our life!~