Ensenada, my love

just a few days after our vows were declared
I found myself in your arms taking in the warm Mexico sun
bumping through the streets in a rickety tour bus
the same bus that would later collide with a battered blue truck and leave all a little stunned

and there in Ensenada I knew I would love you all my life
I felt entrenched by the faith I had in both marriage and in you
watching children run bare footed up dusty streets
wondering what it would be like to have children of our own

part of my heart rests in the memory of our time there
in those early days after taking on your monogram
and every day after has been a whirlwind of alchemy and prayers
always striving to be the wife you deserve, and never forgetting
Ensenada, my love

*to: Caleb Marc*

The Ugly Side of Things

Does everyone have an ugly side?
Clearly, people become angry, frustrated, frazzled, and dismayed at times...
But what I have been questioning is whether or not there is a really out of control, nasty side of each person walking on this planet.

Maybe impoverished and starving children in other countries are exempt from this said flip side of the personality...they are just getting by...
Should it be suggested that the overly blessed are the ones who because of selfishness get to the point of displaying the unattractive side.

"For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice."- James 3:16

What would I be like without the constant [God-given] desire for transformation?
I'm sure my family members, and peers from school could attest to the cantankerous, and diva-like mannerisms I am still trying to strip from myself.
The uglier side yet, would be a negative and harsh way with words during "battle."

I've been contemplating this uglier side of the human condition because, as mentioned in my first blog, we are constantly in comparison with others. I want to know if the people within in my sphere are just as guilty as I am at times. Maybe not all the time, or with the same level of frequency, but I think I want to know that I'm not the only one.

Maybe if I knew, it would give me some form of justification in my flawed nature.
Though, I seem to recall from scripture that "No one is good, only God is good," (Mark 10:18), and that either fuels my rational that it's okay to be a jerk at times, or motivates me to want the heart of God. To be good.

What does it look like to dismantle what psychologists would declare as scars from childhood, or the effects of environmental stress? Too often we make allowance for our actions and reactions towards those in our lives and in our circumstances.

True regeneration of the heart comes from the Lord who "works all things together for the good of those who love Him." (Romans 8:28) I cannot personally choose to change my motivations and intentions because they are inherently selfish. For most people, the end goal of life is to be able to say: "I was a good person, and I was happy." Sadly, I don't think those are measurable terms.

The ugly side will rear it's head eventually at which point families reach division, opinions are shaped, and personal expectations are dissolved into disappointment. More and more, it is obvious to me that without accountability through the profession of sins, and affection towards Jesus Christ, I would be incapable of being a wife, mother, sister, daughter. I personally am fraught with iniquity.