Old cynical rantings that I found...

very embarrassing thoughts, and not shared out of pride or arrogance, but merely amusement and humility. coming up on 2years of marriage with the most amazing man in the world...finding pages of sloppy cursive left me giggling at myself:


So much of my feelings, or persona in general are summed up in Joni Mitchell's 'Cactus Tree.' Many have been quick to like me, yet my unconvinced and fickle heart chooses solitude over romance. "Too busy being free," are the lyrics to that intelligent song, and yes, someone pin-pointed it for me- who would love a girl whose priorities are ever changing? No rational man would choose to pursue a girl who doesn't seemingly desire to "stay put," or as my parents say, "land." What does it mean to "land?" Does it mean to arrive? We never truly arrive as humans. Does it mean arriving at the point of adulthood via marriage and commitment? And why would I assume that just because I arrived at the milestone of marriage that I would be done "arriving?" I will never cease internal and external change. Not only will my body grow slack and less appealing, but my view on the world; it's people and life in general will consistently change. How can I commit to loving and lawfully belonging to one person when they may very well wake up one day and hate me?

I am now aged twenty two years, and I look back at the girl I was only three years ago and barely relate. Who was she? More so, who will 'he' be in three years? What will be important to him, whoever 'he' is? I'll say one thing, however, this year has been a better one as far as "staying put" goes. My parents find their daughter's frequent relocation dreadfully aggravating. Seattle's slow and collected nature serves me well. The cruel irony of life is that I belong on the East coast despite my upbringing, yet I recognize my priority to be near my family. I guess I've learned Some things that please me, or make me tick rather. I am blessed by my learnings these last thirty-six months. Now who will I find to relate to me?

It's funny because I truly believe that God wants me to recognize the possibilities he has for me. I find it silly yet naive to cling to the adoration of ONE person. I ask again, Now who will I find to relate to me? Either I am too experienced, too concerned about eating healthy, or I'm too high strung, or too young...too old...there's always, and I mean always some unchangeable variable that automatically eliminates any potential. I will not stop working like a mad woman, and I will be educated, bold, well traveled, and those truths I consider built into who I am.

No one will relate to me perfectly. People are selfish and ever changing so why fool oneself into thinking you can settle into marriage? The only one for me is Jesus. Yes, the Sunday school, cute answer. But seriously, I am being realistic about what I know is unwavering and really, the Love of God is it. Does this resound of cynical ideals? Well, sure, at least I can go on a practical theory. It's funny how I've actually tried to believe for the last year that God has someone for me. He could, but this life is not about ME and Really I should aim to serve God and not my own petitions.
I want to give the Lord all of my heart, and I want him to take it. In fact, this is the only hope I have to feel somewhat secure in this time. I've come to accept that there is no one for me. This is not dramatic. I am not closed off. If I met someone whom I really hit it off with, someone who would encourage my walk with God, I would throw all of my cynical thoughts out the window and give it a shot. "Everything has a time and season under heaven." Ecc 3:11 So maybe...just maybe I will have a season of Love. Who knows.