Written on December 30th, 2011

It's hailing here in Kirkland. The window is fogged completely and little pebbles
of frozen precipitation dance playfully down my car. My heart is heavy.

I am seeing evidences of God's grace daily. Caleb and I had a tough week over Christmas/weekend. It turns out that starting a business with two small children and minimal start up capital is very challenging. And, before you think in your head- "well, duh," just know that we are doing our very best. We try to be good stewards of our money. Knowing first that the Lord has us in the palm of his hand. Trusting in him 110% to always deliver us- even from ourselves. We are two young adults making our way through the waters of small business and parenting. There is seemingly so much outside criticism. That's okay. A lot of things we do derive from strong convictions from the Holy Spirit. We cannot conform to the pattern of this world.

Marriage is hard. Being a SAHM is insanely hard [sometimes]. I am grateful for the family of friends that we have who uphold the same values and core beliefs that we do. Because, without these peers who have been imparted so much wisdom by the Lord alone, we would feel really alone& lost socially. I love the family who raised me, but traditional roles and even staying home is not exactly hailed as something to be commended for. Choosing to stand by my husband as the head of our household because it just works naturally, or seeing every daily milestone- and they happen, with my children is precious. It is absolutely a calling.

I hope that my heart will continue to be soft enough to follow Jesus. To be like him. To love like he does. To walk with him and know him well. I never want to talk about him as pro athletes or movie stars do pointing to the sky, or never saying his name. He IS God. His name is probably used more in a profane way then by Bible believing Christians.

our life this spring

baby number three is due in a matter of seven to twelve weeks. i can't believe how much change we've experienced in these four short years of marriage. yesterday, i was remembering myself in high school and thanking the Lord that i am not that person. additionally, my life has not become what i had envisioned it would be like when i was that age looking to the future. it is by His tender grace that gave me a husband who both loves and serves Jesus. he says cynical things like: "i don't care if our kids are just mediocre at a lot of things as long as they know the gospel, and walk with Jesus. i don't want them to ever feel like their identity comes from being super smart or excelling at a sport or instrument." the Asian part of me cringes at his rationale at times because for much of my life education; the honor roll, the Dean's List, etc, was paramount. my dad fostered the desire to be considered bright and "highly intelligent," which became a part of my identity. music was just as important to our family, therefore having a solo, or being a section leader in marching band was praised. i don't fault my parents for that upbringing, it shaped much of who i am today regarding discipline and work ethic. the chief idea here, is that i am slowly adjusting to what feels like a nonchalant ideology on Caleb's part.

 the Lord has blessed us beyond our own personal goals or aspirations, and our trust in him makes submitting to his greater plan easy. we will have had three kids (under four years old) within 4.5 years of marriage- while running two small businesses, and maintaining two mortgages. and we rest in the solace of knowing Him and His sovereign hand in every facet of our existence. the fact that we both grew up in church, and attend church regularly does not necessarily equate to the precious daily cry for grace and love required to get through this lifetime. i am so glad that his glory is the end goal. that our jobs, children, homes, cars, worries, petty issues, fears, complaints, and aptitudes are all vanity and fleeting under the sun. oh, to bring glory for His name's sake! the joy of it. the peace in accepting that as first importance. my heart can barely handle the thought of how he loves us. i wish that i could spend more time writing, but small and curious people now require my attention.

 i couldn't be more blessed.

 Jesus, thank you for your unfailing love. for the desire that the Holy Spirit gives my husband and i to want to know you and serve you. thank you for interceding for our sins; past, present, and future, we know that you died for all of them. you make beauty from ashes. please continue to draw us near to you, and help us to rely on your role as king. direct us as parents, friends, stewards of our time, talent and treasure. we need you. *KBA*