Our First Week Of Foster Care

Last Friday we welcomed our first foster child into our home. The phone rang at 4:15pm and I was busy baking cakes for my son's 4^th birthday party. There were layers of cakes on cooling racks strewn about, and one whole cake already sitting with a crumb coat. Whenever my cell phone rings these days my heart races because it's likely a realtor calling for another showing of our house, or perhaps the most important kind of call, the one from DSHS.

I knew her name immediately. They had told us in training who makes the call for placements around here, so I quickly grabbed my binder and a pencil so that I could go through the questions that another foster family had shared with me. I had to assure her that the crying in the background was just one of my children in 'time out,' and we could continue to go through the questions. We had about 35 minutes to deliberate because DSHS was about to close. I called Caleb and we went through all of the questions and answers together. We talked soberly and I tried to answer his questions with what little info I had been given. The first of many phone calls that will require a great deal of faith in the Lord to go before us, and sustain us as we welcome kids into our home.

I'll never forget what it felt like walking up to the little guy. Adrenaline had been propelling me forward, but the moment I saw him my steps slowed, and my heart felt sluggish and nervous. I couldn't see his small face because he was nuzzled into the side of a social worker. Everyone looked burnt out, but they were kind and still upbeat. I cannot imagine having 30+ families as a case load, birth parents, foster parents, and innocent children who are all clamoring at the Social Worker for aid and assistance. They make so little money, and work an exorbitant amount hours, and everyone though smiling had bags under their eyes. The amount of paperwork alone appeared daunting much less the task of calmly reigning in all of the emotions that come forth.

The next few days throughout the weekend were a blur. We had a family birthday dinner for my son, then a large birthday party with his peers on Sunday. We weren't sleeping, and one of my friends pointed out that I would have to start getting a break to take care of myself because the adrenaline was going to wear out at some point. She was right. By Monday, I was weary physically, but leaning so heavily on Jesus that things were still fairly harmonious. This baby really attached to me, and that certainly made it easier to have him around.

Knowing this reminds me to prayerfully approach each placement seeking the Kingdom, because not all kids will attach. Some kids, perhaps even most, will be completely indignant and unappreciative. That's okay too. Caleb had a great point, “there is absolutely nothing for us to gain in this.” He couldn't be more correct. A friend of mine asked if there is compensation. Sure, but after buying diapers, clothing, and spending hours upon hours driving and sitting at appointments (medical, dental, referrals, visitations, counseling,) the truth is that it isn't a business. A business closes it's doors at night, it isn't up rocking a child at midnight, then again at 4am, and then again at nap time. This isn't a way to make money. I've never felt more fatigue than I did this last week and health is worth more than a paycheck.

The most important thing for me to highlight in this post is the love and support we received from people rallying around our little family. Offers for shoes, clothing, grocery runs, lattes and more poured in from those we do life with locally. Members of our church brought meals all week, and that hands down was an essential component to easing in to being a family of six. By 5pm each day I could barely move, especially with homeschool and running Allied not being put on hold too much. Each day I would update my closest girlfriends, and share how God was sustaining us and how near he was to us. 

When our little guy transitioned to live with a family member my kids and I sat down on the carpet just before heading to DSHS, and each of them prayed for him. Clara mostly mumbled. It was beautiful. So many people have asked how my kids did adjusting to having a baby brother come in, and I am thankful to say that this is a part of training them up. Caleb's parents had foster kiddos also, and my dad cultivated the desire to provide aid for the homeless and the destitute. We have never, by grace, departed from that. Our children are learning what it means to strip away the layers of selfishness that we all inherently embody. They're seeing and living firsthand what it means to care for the widows and orphans. We cannot approach this with trepidation because we know Jesus is with us. Obedience is an act of love, not duty.

My hard heart regarding adoption.

      The handful of you who will read this post know that my husband and I are becoming licensed foster parents through our state. When we were engaged we talked about adoption a lot, and though our initial picture of what that may look like has certainly changed, by grace the intention of doing so has not. Through books, social media, conferences, and the positive model of peers who foster and have adopted, we are mentally equipped. For our emotions, safety, and all other tangible provisions we lean heavily on the Lord. We know that we want to be obedient in taking part [in some way] in orphan care. However, I would be remiss, and robbing God of his glory if I didn't share how He had changed my heart over the last three years.

My hard heart had some objections and sinful concepts that I wrestled with, and likely because of personal pride. Here are two of them:

*The mom at church who already has a gob of kids, yet is fundraising for international adoption, AND/or domestic adoption via foster care. To the believer with God's mission and glory in mind, this family sounds like they're on track. To the rest of the world; believers and non-believers, they seem crazy. How will they care for, clothe, and educate that many children? But those weren't even my sinful primary objections.
It was the thinking that she must be quiver-full. She has no identity apart from mothering. She must have no other gifts or talents to contribute other than being a homemaker. She just wants the attention.

I could say that I am embarrassed for sharing this covetous, arrogant, and unloving demeanor I had toward a fellow sister, and her family, but I want to make sure we all get what God can do. He can take my wretched heart and transform it so judgment and eye rolling are no longer the response.

*There are plenty of children in America that need a loving, safe home, I am not called to international adoption. While both points may be somewhat true, I can still come alongside a family who is called to redeem the life of a 12 year old girl in China, who would have otherwise "aged out" at 14 and been shoved into slave labor, sex trafficking, or worse. A woman in a class of mine this year actually adopted an older child, NOT a baby, and her life, their lives will never be the same-for the better. Who am I to think that God wouldn't take care of my family if we gave generously to an overseas adoption? Does he not clothe the lilies and feed the sparrows? And, while my heart wasn't anti-international adoption, I wasn't on the front lines promoting or supporting it as much as I could or should have been.

The heart of the world has objections too. What if one of my children is harmed? What if I get attached? We just aren't called to that. Only certain people can handle such an endeavor. To some extent this may be true. The keynote speaker from the One Conference this last weekend made the point that not everyone can, or should bring kids into their home. But, in light of the gospel, we can all joyfully participate in some way.

My great hope and prayer is that Jesus will continue to soften and transform the heart of those who call him Lord, and awaken to find a role and conduit to aid in orphan care. May unbelief and selfish ambition, or the pride of life all be far from those who God has called and adopted to Himself. Mostly, I offer thanks and praise to my Father in Heaven for sanctification, and his active work in my heart.

Exchanging the truth for a lie....

25 because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. -Romans 1:25

I've just returned from the Mars Hill Women's Training Day held at the Bellevue campus. Similar to the training day that I attended two years ago, I have a lot to process and chip away at. 
Both training day experiences have left me with the exact same question: do I want to be known? 

Do I want to attempt to allow other women to speak into my life, witness my ugly moments, walk with me through the muddy waters of living this side of Heaven? Because, honestly, Americans all seem a bit phony. The facade of the Pinterest Mom and her household, the Sunday Christians (more of us than we want to admit), the humble brags on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, all make me cringe a little bit inside, or roll my eyes, or worse, inspire comparison then competition. 

We have exchanged the truth for a lie. We have believed things that are purely from Satan, or if we can be really honest, from our own wicked and deceitful heart. When the Bible talks about how rotten our hearts are, it isn't describing just those unsaved. The seasoned Christian isn't exempt here. Our hearts are sinful, completely filled with unrighteousness and manipulative motivation. An easy example that I can think of is when I have casually posted a "Takethemameal" photo and hashtag on Instagram to show the beautiful spread that I created to "serve" others. But, who gets the proverbial pat on the back with 15 'likes'? Who gets the glory via kind comments? Me. I do. I get the glory and rob Jesus of the credit he so rightly deserves. I have done this. It was coy. It wasn't showy. That's an example of how manipulative and wicked the heart can be. 

At the Training Day we talked about beauty. That was the only topic  dissected and disassembled into many different takeaways. At the very end of the 9am-4pm day we wrote down some lies on a piece of paper; probably like 500 of us, and dropped them into a basket at the foot of the cross, then we walked past another basket full of pieces of paper with scripture on it. A truth. We gave up some of our lies and took up God's word. Here is what my piece of paper read: 
  
John 1:12-13 But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

If I chose to believe that I have become a child of God, I would submit to you that accepting truth over lies is going to heavily rely on grace and the conviction of the Holy Spirit daily. Hourly. Because, the lies pop up, the judgment pops up, the cutting down and tearing apart of my fellow sisters pops up, and it's ugly. And, I want to apologize. Apologize to all of my sisters whom I have offered a false encouragement to regarding their selfies, and kid brags, and every other way that we sin online specifically. I have done a disservice by perpetuating what has just become the norm for society.

I have done a disservice by saying things like this: 
"She lost the baby weight so fast, and only eats organic, and her kids love kale. She is so exceptional. Ugh, I have a lot to fix. Man, tomorrow I am going to start doing..."

"She knows SO much of the Bible. I bet her kids are better theologians than I will ever be. I wish I could know God like that." 

Or, conversely, I have BEEN that wife who posts how my husband just deep cleaned the whole house with a tooth brush. Who knows how many of my peers I made jealous...covetous, irritated with me or their spouse? Even more absurd is that Caleb doesn't even want public praise on Facebook. He would rather me go straight to his face and tell him. How often do we do this with God? 

Recently, I kicked Instagram off of my iPhone. It was not edifying. However, the other day I felt the urge to take a picture of Clara's #ootd (outfit of the day), and share it with my IG followers because she just looked SO cute. And, the Holy Spirit stopped me in my iPhone clenching tracks and whispered to me to just thank Jesus for my little girl. For this little doll of a person that I never expected to love and cherish as much as I do. I didn't NEED to post her looking "adorbs" because she is more than that. She is made in His image and likeness, and by His grace she will know Him, and love Him, and walk with Him. Her beauty will derive from him. In that impulse of wanting to 'share' I was actually wanting the positive attention that comes from cute kid pics. I was wanting props for how cute I dress my daughter. I wanted the glory. It wasn't something I even gave much thought to, it was the instantaneous desire of my heart that sin nature creates and then manifests in different ways. For the modern mom, those ways come out through Instagram, Facebook, and the like. Don't get me wrong, gossip and playdate infractions still exist as a normal way to devour our sisters. However, online sharing seems to be taking over. And, whether gossip doesn't ensue (husbands included), we ought to examine whether we are sinning against one another in our hearts.

I want to chose to really buy into my adoption as "sons and daughters" by not contributing to the vanities and lip service seen online. Encouragement has it's time and place, but unless it points us to Jesus and His outstanding love and grace, it is really only hinders maturation. I want to chose to believe that I am His, by not being silly and insecure when someone pays me a compliment about an outfit, or my hair. We can still receive praise but leave it at that and not elaborate or apologize for, or fuss over ourselves so much. The more we fuss over ourselves, the more we are saying that God made a mistake. He doesn't know what we need. He is withholding from us. He can't relate. We are believing lies, and cultivating other people's internal lies by allowing the image and projection of our lives to take first place. 

We should image Jesus. We should direct all things, and I mean everything to and about, and from Jesus. He is the good news. He is our beautiful savior. We will never get enough 'likes', or have our spouses dote on us enough, or be the same body shape post babies. We just won't be satisfied apart from Him. Once we learn and accept [daily] that this story; our existence, is meant to bring glory for his name's sake, then we can know true beauty. 

Written on December 30th, 2011

It's hailing here in Kirkland. The window is fogged completely and little pebbles
of frozen precipitation dance playfully down my car. My heart is heavy.

I am seeing evidences of God's grace daily. Caleb and I had a tough week over Christmas/weekend. It turns out that starting a business with two small children and minimal start up capital is very challenging. And, before you think in your head- "well, duh," just know that we are doing our very best. We try to be good stewards of our money. Knowing first that the Lord has us in the palm of his hand. Trusting in him 110% to always deliver us- even from ourselves. We are two young adults making our way through the waters of small business and parenting. There is seemingly so much outside criticism. That's okay. A lot of things we do derive from strong convictions from the Holy Spirit. We cannot conform to the pattern of this world.

Marriage is hard. Being a SAHM is insanely hard [sometimes]. I am grateful for the family of friends that we have who uphold the same values and core beliefs that we do. Because, without these peers who have been imparted so much wisdom by the Lord alone, we would feel really alone& lost socially. I love the family who raised me, but traditional roles and even staying home is not exactly hailed as something to be commended for. Choosing to stand by my husband as the head of our household because it just works naturally, or seeing every daily milestone- and they happen, with my children is precious. It is absolutely a calling.

I hope that my heart will continue to be soft enough to follow Jesus. To be like him. To love like he does. To walk with him and know him well. I never want to talk about him as pro athletes or movie stars do pointing to the sky, or never saying his name. He IS God. His name is probably used more in a profane way then by Bible believing Christians.

our life this spring

baby number three is due in a matter of seven to twelve weeks. i can't believe how much change we've experienced in these four short years of marriage. yesterday, i was remembering myself in high school and thanking the Lord that i am not that person. additionally, my life has not become what i had envisioned it would be like when i was that age looking to the future. it is by His tender grace that gave me a husband who both loves and serves Jesus. he says cynical things like: "i don't care if our kids are just mediocre at a lot of things as long as they know the gospel, and walk with Jesus. i don't want them to ever feel like their identity comes from being super smart or excelling at a sport or instrument." the Asian part of me cringes at his rationale at times because for much of my life education; the honor roll, the Dean's List, etc, was paramount. my dad fostered the desire to be considered bright and "highly intelligent," which became a part of my identity. music was just as important to our family, therefore having a solo, or being a section leader in marching band was praised. i don't fault my parents for that upbringing, it shaped much of who i am today regarding discipline and work ethic. the chief idea here, is that i am slowly adjusting to what feels like a nonchalant ideology on Caleb's part.

 the Lord has blessed us beyond our own personal goals or aspirations, and our trust in him makes submitting to his greater plan easy. we will have had three kids (under four years old) within 4.5 years of marriage- while running two small businesses, and maintaining two mortgages. and we rest in the solace of knowing Him and His sovereign hand in every facet of our existence. the fact that we both grew up in church, and attend church regularly does not necessarily equate to the precious daily cry for grace and love required to get through this lifetime. i am so glad that his glory is the end goal. that our jobs, children, homes, cars, worries, petty issues, fears, complaints, and aptitudes are all vanity and fleeting under the sun. oh, to bring glory for His name's sake! the joy of it. the peace in accepting that as first importance. my heart can barely handle the thought of how he loves us. i wish that i could spend more time writing, but small and curious people now require my attention.

 i couldn't be more blessed.

 Jesus, thank you for your unfailing love. for the desire that the Holy Spirit gives my husband and i to want to know you and serve you. thank you for interceding for our sins; past, present, and future, we know that you died for all of them. you make beauty from ashes. please continue to draw us near to you, and help us to rely on your role as king. direct us as parents, friends, stewards of our time, talent and treasure. we need you. *KBA*

Pride. Because, we are smarter, faster, leaner, more beautiful, more competent, with polite children, with five star hotels, and program after program to boast about.

Did you know that I have struggled with boasting my entire life? One of my elementary school teachers actually informed my parents at a conference that I was boastful beyond reproach. I admit it fully now, here to you, as if you hadn't already gathered that this could be an area of weakness in my life. I aim to be transparent which could also be preceived as gloating about what I, by God's grace, have and do not have. Pride disgusts me, and yet I am the chief sinner of this terrible attribute. The fact that it's hailed with such immense respect to be political, go green, love "our Mother Earth", eat organic, be atheletic, have successful children, be educated, look attractive, have a good job, enjoy a specific lifestyle, can all one way or another be traced back to pride. Think about it, the person who is the first person to graduate from college in their family, should get to brag freely about the obstacle that they have both overcome and redeemed for their moniker. Right? They worked hard and plowed through the throws of daunting classes and Starbucks runs to earn that degree.

And yet, King Solomon says that it's all meaningless under the sun.
Or maybe the Beatles ripped off Solomon's Old Testament concepts one better with their recoginizable lyrics: "There's nothing you can do that can't be done"
Is it all meaningless?If it is, then where does pride fit into the equation?

Boasting, bragging, gloating, noting; as I like to say when I'm trying to be sneaky with my tongue to Caleb, where do these actions lead us, but further into ourselves?
Now, those who follow Biblical principals would aspire to wanting to be more like Christ and less like ourselves. Therefore, there is no room for pride which gives birth to much selfishness-some of which we can justify practically, but it is what it is. It is what it is.
No one likes a know-it-all. Knowing it all comes from pride. Humility is attractive, however it is not championed by many because it is not popular. It doesn't win votes, or favor, not like "confidence."

My goal is not to offend my peers, but to share what has been stirred in my heart. I constantly reevaluate this very topic. My husband frequently rolls his eyes in contempt for my obvious concern of what others may think of us, me, Noah, Nicholas.
It's all meaningless.

If you're an atheist- then you can agree, it's all meaningless in the long haul since there is nothing for us after death.
If you're a Christian- then you know that we are to bring glory to God and not ourselves. Bringing glory to His name is the only thing that is not meaningless.

Cynical? Sure. I find great peace in knowing that all toil on earth is just that. We all grow up and get jobs...some people have great jobs that produce a desirable way of living, some people deal with life with money and devotion to hobbies, and some people are broke as a joke with no hope. It's all toil. Toil with some nice dinners and vacations forced in.

Jesus, I pray that Caleb and I can think little of ourselves in light of who you are. Guide us in raise children who ultimately know, fear and seek you. Holy Spirit, enable us to freely sacrifice our time, talent and treasure as it is not ours but yours to give. Humble and teach us according to truths of the Bible. Help us to accept and impart grace daily.
*KBA*

And so it begins...

There is an innate desire to protect and nurture my child from offenders. Even verbal offenders. I watched as someone spoke to him with such obvious disdain, as if he were an aggravating lap dog. It broke my heart. I wanted to scoop him up and tell him how sweet and bright I find him. That his strong willed nature as some deem him, doesn't bother me, but that I will do my best to foster any trace of tenacity and might in him. I don't want to parent for other people's approval or good graces, but instead because the Lord has entrusted me this young life to shape and guide. I exist to teach Noah how to bring Jesus glory through words, deeds, actions- etc.

My Sister & Brother in law have three stunningly adorable, smart, and what some might call loud little girls. Maybe not loud, but one can definitely tell when they are present or not. Yet, I have not really seen either parent discourage their offspring from what is natural, age appropriate play and behavior. They are confident in their parenting; their discipline and their overwhelming love. I want to parent like that. So what if someone gives me the stink eye?! No apologies or excuses unless my child is outwardly sinning against another person, or is endangering himself. Close examination of the heart may reveal that parents often labor under their personal pride thus changing how they chose to approach parenting and it's many facets.

Most frustrating, are those who don't believe in the term 'Age Appropriate.' They balk in their brain thinking it is an excuse for lazy parents who don't discipline their children. I must confess, I've shared that approach that the child is solely the product of poor parenting. However, the Lord wants me to know humility and so I do as I learn first hand what it's like to raise a toddler.

Lord, I pray fervently, that I can have grace, patience and joy in being a mommy. Let my motivations and directives derive from Biblical wisdom and principals. Give Caleb and I the tools and aptitude to cultivate in our children characteristics that above all, honor you.

*KBA*