Our First Week Of Foster Care

Last Friday we welcomed our first foster child into our home. The phone rang at 4:15pm and I was busy baking cakes for my son's 4^th birthday party. There were layers of cakes on cooling racks strewn about, and one whole cake already sitting with a crumb coat. Whenever my cell phone rings these days my heart races because it's likely a realtor calling for another showing of our house, or perhaps the most important kind of call, the one from DSHS.

I knew her name immediately. They had told us in training who makes the call for placements around here, so I quickly grabbed my binder and a pencil so that I could go through the questions that another foster family had shared with me. I had to assure her that the crying in the background was just one of my children in 'time out,' and we could continue to go through the questions. We had about 35 minutes to deliberate because DSHS was about to close. I called Caleb and we went through all of the questions and answers together. We talked soberly and I tried to answer his questions with what little info I had been given. The first of many phone calls that will require a great deal of faith in the Lord to go before us, and sustain us as we welcome kids into our home.

I'll never forget what it felt like walking up to the little guy. Adrenaline had been propelling me forward, but the moment I saw him my steps slowed, and my heart felt sluggish and nervous. I couldn't see his small face because he was nuzzled into the side of a social worker. Everyone looked burnt out, but they were kind and still upbeat. I cannot imagine having 30+ families as a case load, birth parents, foster parents, and innocent children who are all clamoring at the Social Worker for aid and assistance. They make so little money, and work an exorbitant amount hours, and everyone though smiling had bags under their eyes. The amount of paperwork alone appeared daunting much less the task of calmly reigning in all of the emotions that come forth.

The next few days throughout the weekend were a blur. We had a family birthday dinner for my son, then a large birthday party with his peers on Sunday. We weren't sleeping, and one of my friends pointed out that I would have to start getting a break to take care of myself because the adrenaline was going to wear out at some point. She was right. By Monday, I was weary physically, but leaning so heavily on Jesus that things were still fairly harmonious. This baby really attached to me, and that certainly made it easier to have him around.

Knowing this reminds me to prayerfully approach each placement seeking the Kingdom, because not all kids will attach. Some kids, perhaps even most, will be completely indignant and unappreciative. That's okay too. Caleb had a great point, “there is absolutely nothing for us to gain in this.” He couldn't be more correct. A friend of mine asked if there is compensation. Sure, but after buying diapers, clothing, and spending hours upon hours driving and sitting at appointments (medical, dental, referrals, visitations, counseling,) the truth is that it isn't a business. A business closes it's doors at night, it isn't up rocking a child at midnight, then again at 4am, and then again at nap time. This isn't a way to make money. I've never felt more fatigue than I did this last week and health is worth more than a paycheck.

The most important thing for me to highlight in this post is the love and support we received from people rallying around our little family. Offers for shoes, clothing, grocery runs, lattes and more poured in from those we do life with locally. Members of our church brought meals all week, and that hands down was an essential component to easing in to being a family of six. By 5pm each day I could barely move, especially with homeschool and running Allied not being put on hold too much. Each day I would update my closest girlfriends, and share how God was sustaining us and how near he was to us. 

When our little guy transitioned to live with a family member my kids and I sat down on the carpet just before heading to DSHS, and each of them prayed for him. Clara mostly mumbled. It was beautiful. So many people have asked how my kids did adjusting to having a baby brother come in, and I am thankful to say that this is a part of training them up. Caleb's parents had foster kiddos also, and my dad cultivated the desire to provide aid for the homeless and the destitute. We have never, by grace, departed from that. Our children are learning what it means to strip away the layers of selfishness that we all inherently embody. They're seeing and living firsthand what it means to care for the widows and orphans. We cannot approach this with trepidation because we know Jesus is with us. Obedience is an act of love, not duty.

My hard heart regarding adoption.

      The handful of you who will read this post know that my husband and I are becoming licensed foster parents through our state. When we were engaged we talked about adoption a lot, and though our initial picture of what that may look like has certainly changed, by grace the intention of doing so has not. Through books, social media, conferences, and the positive model of peers who foster and have adopted, we are mentally equipped. For our emotions, safety, and all other tangible provisions we lean heavily on the Lord. We know that we want to be obedient in taking part [in some way] in orphan care. However, I would be remiss, and robbing God of his glory if I didn't share how He had changed my heart over the last three years.

My hard heart had some objections and sinful concepts that I wrestled with, and likely because of personal pride. Here are two of them:

*The mom at church who already has a gob of kids, yet is fundraising for international adoption, AND/or domestic adoption via foster care. To the believer with God's mission and glory in mind, this family sounds like they're on track. To the rest of the world; believers and non-believers, they seem crazy. How will they care for, clothe, and educate that many children? But those weren't even my sinful primary objections.
It was the thinking that she must be quiver-full. She has no identity apart from mothering. She must have no other gifts or talents to contribute other than being a homemaker. She just wants the attention.

I could say that I am embarrassed for sharing this covetous, arrogant, and unloving demeanor I had toward a fellow sister, and her family, but I want to make sure we all get what God can do. He can take my wretched heart and transform it so judgment and eye rolling are no longer the response.

*There are plenty of children in America that need a loving, safe home, I am not called to international adoption. While both points may be somewhat true, I can still come alongside a family who is called to redeem the life of a 12 year old girl in China, who would have otherwise "aged out" at 14 and been shoved into slave labor, sex trafficking, or worse. A woman in a class of mine this year actually adopted an older child, NOT a baby, and her life, their lives will never be the same-for the better. Who am I to think that God wouldn't take care of my family if we gave generously to an overseas adoption? Does he not clothe the lilies and feed the sparrows? And, while my heart wasn't anti-international adoption, I wasn't on the front lines promoting or supporting it as much as I could or should have been.

The heart of the world has objections too. What if one of my children is harmed? What if I get attached? We just aren't called to that. Only certain people can handle such an endeavor. To some extent this may be true. The keynote speaker from the One Conference this last weekend made the point that not everyone can, or should bring kids into their home. But, in light of the gospel, we can all joyfully participate in some way.

My great hope and prayer is that Jesus will continue to soften and transform the heart of those who call him Lord, and awaken to find a role and conduit to aid in orphan care. May unbelief and selfish ambition, or the pride of life all be far from those who God has called and adopted to Himself. Mostly, I offer thanks and praise to my Father in Heaven for sanctification, and his active work in my heart.

Exchanging the truth for a lie....

25 because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. -Romans 1:25

I've just returned from the Mars Hill Women's Training Day held at the Bellevue campus. Similar to the training day that I attended two years ago, I have a lot to process and chip away at. 
Both training day experiences have left me with the exact same question: do I want to be known? 

Do I want to attempt to allow other women to speak into my life, witness my ugly moments, walk with me through the muddy waters of living this side of Heaven? Because, honestly, Americans all seem a bit phony. The facade of the Pinterest Mom and her household, the Sunday Christians (more of us than we want to admit), the humble brags on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, all make me cringe a little bit inside, or roll my eyes, or worse, inspire comparison then competition. 

We have exchanged the truth for a lie. We have believed things that are purely from Satan, or if we can be really honest, from our own wicked and deceitful heart. When the Bible talks about how rotten our hearts are, it isn't describing just those unsaved. The seasoned Christian isn't exempt here. Our hearts are sinful, completely filled with unrighteousness and manipulative motivation. An easy example that I can think of is when I have casually posted a "Takethemameal" photo and hashtag on Instagram to show the beautiful spread that I created to "serve" others. But, who gets the proverbial pat on the back with 15 'likes'? Who gets the glory via kind comments? Me. I do. I get the glory and rob Jesus of the credit he so rightly deserves. I have done this. It was coy. It wasn't showy. That's an example of how manipulative and wicked the heart can be. 

At the Training Day we talked about beauty. That was the only topic  dissected and disassembled into many different takeaways. At the very end of the 9am-4pm day we wrote down some lies on a piece of paper; probably like 500 of us, and dropped them into a basket at the foot of the cross, then we walked past another basket full of pieces of paper with scripture on it. A truth. We gave up some of our lies and took up God's word. Here is what my piece of paper read: 
  
John 1:12-13 But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

If I chose to believe that I have become a child of God, I would submit to you that accepting truth over lies is going to heavily rely on grace and the conviction of the Holy Spirit daily. Hourly. Because, the lies pop up, the judgment pops up, the cutting down and tearing apart of my fellow sisters pops up, and it's ugly. And, I want to apologize. Apologize to all of my sisters whom I have offered a false encouragement to regarding their selfies, and kid brags, and every other way that we sin online specifically. I have done a disservice by perpetuating what has just become the norm for society.

I have done a disservice by saying things like this: 
"She lost the baby weight so fast, and only eats organic, and her kids love kale. She is so exceptional. Ugh, I have a lot to fix. Man, tomorrow I am going to start doing..."

"She knows SO much of the Bible. I bet her kids are better theologians than I will ever be. I wish I could know God like that." 

Or, conversely, I have BEEN that wife who posts how my husband just deep cleaned the whole house with a tooth brush. Who knows how many of my peers I made jealous...covetous, irritated with me or their spouse? Even more absurd is that Caleb doesn't even want public praise on Facebook. He would rather me go straight to his face and tell him. How often do we do this with God? 

Recently, I kicked Instagram off of my iPhone. It was not edifying. However, the other day I felt the urge to take a picture of Clara's #ootd (outfit of the day), and share it with my IG followers because she just looked SO cute. And, the Holy Spirit stopped me in my iPhone clenching tracks and whispered to me to just thank Jesus for my little girl. For this little doll of a person that I never expected to love and cherish as much as I do. I didn't NEED to post her looking "adorbs" because she is more than that. She is made in His image and likeness, and by His grace she will know Him, and love Him, and walk with Him. Her beauty will derive from him. In that impulse of wanting to 'share' I was actually wanting the positive attention that comes from cute kid pics. I was wanting props for how cute I dress my daughter. I wanted the glory. It wasn't something I even gave much thought to, it was the instantaneous desire of my heart that sin nature creates and then manifests in different ways. For the modern mom, those ways come out through Instagram, Facebook, and the like. Don't get me wrong, gossip and playdate infractions still exist as a normal way to devour our sisters. However, online sharing seems to be taking over. And, whether gossip doesn't ensue (husbands included), we ought to examine whether we are sinning against one another in our hearts.

I want to chose to really buy into my adoption as "sons and daughters" by not contributing to the vanities and lip service seen online. Encouragement has it's time and place, but unless it points us to Jesus and His outstanding love and grace, it is really only hinders maturation. I want to chose to believe that I am His, by not being silly and insecure when someone pays me a compliment about an outfit, or my hair. We can still receive praise but leave it at that and not elaborate or apologize for, or fuss over ourselves so much. The more we fuss over ourselves, the more we are saying that God made a mistake. He doesn't know what we need. He is withholding from us. He can't relate. We are believing lies, and cultivating other people's internal lies by allowing the image and projection of our lives to take first place. 

We should image Jesus. We should direct all things, and I mean everything to and about, and from Jesus. He is the good news. He is our beautiful savior. We will never get enough 'likes', or have our spouses dote on us enough, or be the same body shape post babies. We just won't be satisfied apart from Him. Once we learn and accept [daily] that this story; our existence, is meant to bring glory for his name's sake, then we can know true beauty. 

Pride. Because, we are smarter, faster, leaner, more beautiful, more competent, with polite children, with five star hotels, and program after program to boast about.

Did you know that I have struggled with boasting my entire life? One of my elementary school teachers actually informed my parents at a conference that I was boastful beyond reproach. I admit it fully now, here to you, as if you hadn't already gathered that this could be an area of weakness in my life. I aim to be transparent which could also be preceived as gloating about what I, by God's grace, have and do not have. Pride disgusts me, and yet I am the chief sinner of this terrible attribute. The fact that it's hailed with such immense respect to be political, go green, love "our Mother Earth", eat organic, be atheletic, have successful children, be educated, look attractive, have a good job, enjoy a specific lifestyle, can all one way or another be traced back to pride. Think about it, the person who is the first person to graduate from college in their family, should get to brag freely about the obstacle that they have both overcome and redeemed for their moniker. Right? They worked hard and plowed through the throws of daunting classes and Starbucks runs to earn that degree.

And yet, King Solomon says that it's all meaningless under the sun.
Or maybe the Beatles ripped off Solomon's Old Testament concepts one better with their recoginizable lyrics: "There's nothing you can do that can't be done"
Is it all meaningless?If it is, then where does pride fit into the equation?

Boasting, bragging, gloating, noting; as I like to say when I'm trying to be sneaky with my tongue to Caleb, where do these actions lead us, but further into ourselves?
Now, those who follow Biblical principals would aspire to wanting to be more like Christ and less like ourselves. Therefore, there is no room for pride which gives birth to much selfishness-some of which we can justify practically, but it is what it is. It is what it is.
No one likes a know-it-all. Knowing it all comes from pride. Humility is attractive, however it is not championed by many because it is not popular. It doesn't win votes, or favor, not like "confidence."

My goal is not to offend my peers, but to share what has been stirred in my heart. I constantly reevaluate this very topic. My husband frequently rolls his eyes in contempt for my obvious concern of what others may think of us, me, Noah, Nicholas.
It's all meaningless.

If you're an atheist- then you can agree, it's all meaningless in the long haul since there is nothing for us after death.
If you're a Christian- then you know that we are to bring glory to God and not ourselves. Bringing glory to His name is the only thing that is not meaningless.

Cynical? Sure. I find great peace in knowing that all toil on earth is just that. We all grow up and get jobs...some people have great jobs that produce a desirable way of living, some people deal with life with money and devotion to hobbies, and some people are broke as a joke with no hope. It's all toil. Toil with some nice dinners and vacations forced in.

Jesus, I pray that Caleb and I can think little of ourselves in light of who you are. Guide us in raise children who ultimately know, fear and seek you. Holy Spirit, enable us to freely sacrifice our time, talent and treasure as it is not ours but yours to give. Humble and teach us according to truths of the Bible. Help us to accept and impart grace daily.
*KBA*

Life as we know it...

well, here i am in the third trimester with our second child. i feel strong and healthy, even though i have points in the day and night of discomfort. i always wanted to name one of my children after a character from The Great Gatsby, so Nick, or Nicholas, is fitting. what's more so is that Noah & Nicholas paired together is satisfactory to me. after all, Caleb wouldn't have anything to do with Andrew, Samuel or Carter. my little Nick (Carraway) will be here within no time and surely we will delight in him as we have Noah.

it's difficult to grasp that we have been in Eastern Washington for coming on three years this May. constantly reevaluating whether we belong in Seattle or not. truly, it is nice to play house in all it's front yard, back yard, upstairs-downstairs glory. yet, there are still things that are amiss for us as a family. unfortunately, not having Mars Hill as a fellowship greatly weighs upon us. however, technology lends much to our aid and there is little excuse for not tuning in to podCasts and whatnot. it comes down to seeking the Lord as to whether we are "called" (although, I hate that term) to live here.

pros and cons stream through my brain daily making truth challenging to cling to. no matter what transpires regarding our home address, we will soon be a family of four. con: i can't imagine Noah not living near his favorite person-"Amp-AH." pro: better work for Caleb on the west side, hands down.

i want to put to rest any anxiety around life as we know it, because for one, it isn't Biblical (Philippians 4:6). secondly, it isn't healthy for little Nicholas brewing away in there. lastly, i trust the Lord to use Caleb as the spiritual leader of our home to guide and intercede for our family in all things. i yield a sufficient amount of my type A personality to the joy of Biblical headship within our home. not to say that i am feeble and mute within our happenings.

so here we are, three years of contractual marriage in, nearly two children in our midst, and a constant need for Jesus. at the end of the day we are always on the same page. congruent in the big details of raising babies, saving money, striving for spiritual maturity. it is note worthy that we have made fantastic friendships in both Seattle and the Tri-Cities.

well, for now, this is where we are. profoundly blessed, and possibly unable to see how the Lord is growing us.

that is all...

KBA

Jesus.

It is often controversial to claim to follow Christianity. To be a "little Christ."
However, much of the controversy does not derive from people talking about the person and work of Jesus, but from their hypocrisy and judgmental demeanor.
A heart that wants to serve and love others is granted by the Holy Spirit, and greatly counters the religious rituals and vernacular that so frequently offends.
Sadly, the role of the church hasn't always met the needs of widows, orphans and the desperate. The programs, multiple 'love' offerings, and all together phony facade that many churches embody are a disgusting display of the gross miss communication of what grace, humility and truth actually are.

Jesus. The way, the truth and the life. The Bible is an account of his life; with the Old Testament lending a prophetic word, and the New Testament is the collection of stories telling how those prophesies were fulfilled. A Bible believing Christian seeks to learn about Jesus and his tremendous love, not necessarily to follow "the road map to life." The aim for the Christian is to want to know and possess affection for Jesus, who was fully God, and fully man. Too many Christians have done the faith filled random pull of sentences from the Bible that "perfectly fit the situation they were in!" Which, cynical as this sounds, misses the point that the Bible is not about us. It's not about us. Recognition that the Bible is an testimony of who Jesus was, and that it shares the loving truth about him is crucial to the continual need to humility. We cannot die to ourselves if we make every thing about ourselves. That includes, so conversely to what modern evangelists may infer, referring to scripture (Jeremiah 29:11) out of context to make us feel better. We are inherently sinful. We are a broken, selfish, prideful mass since the beginning of time, who Jesus said out of our heart flows the most deceitful and unpleasant things (paraphrase), therefore no one is a "good person." Everyone to their core is wicked and sinful and needing only one thing, and that is to be lead by the conviction of the Holy Spirit to become more like the person of Jesus Christ.

Christians have it wrong too often, a program, or routine won't solve the issues of the heart. Other religions survive by preaching works and legalism, or searching within oneself.

The sole answer is: JESUS.

I've been struggling lately with our place as a family coming from a thriving community and church in Seattle, even though we moved away two years ago. It seems pointless to desire the previous arrangement while struggling to redeem the present. And, the consensus that I have is that I love Jesus, more than any church, group of people, or city, and that is enough. I want to know him deeply. Walk with him daily. Dwell where he is. And, by God's grace I will live in a way that reflects his image.
I heard Pastor Bill Clem describe us this way, " We are like a mirror, shattered and broken, and God has to take all the pieces and put them back together so that they reflect him." I liked this analogy because it relies solely on God (Jesus), and does not put the ball in our court as individuals. We must respond in obedience to the conviction of the Holy Spirit if we know Christ, and love others well.

Jesus, I pray for your continual guidance and grace. Your love is undeniable to me.

KBA

Judging Others...

I'm guilty. I admit it. I've judged, and judged, and judged some more. When one gets married, the judging only increases except now there is a partner in crime who happens to be like minded. By God's grace, Caleb and I are constantly having truths about life exposed to us. The Holy Spirit continues to convict us of how we too are flawed and need to "remove the plank out of our own eye."

After social evenings, Caleb likes to have a cigar and process his more philosophical thoughts out loud to me. I try to keep my drowsiness at bay as I find his candidness both refreshing and interesting. I feel blessed that he always arrives at the mantra of our lives which is, we need Jesus. Everything in our life should point to Jesus and we should bring glory to him by the way we LOVE. It's too easy to fall into the trap of judging other couples when you're married, or engaged people, or how others choose to raise their kids. Caleb reminded me recently that we shouldn't spend our time discussing our opinions on the people in our life as soon as we're behind closed doors. We should simply aim to LOVE them, and love them well.

I doubt we could possibly muster the amount of grace it would take to coexist with others peacefully at all times. We need the Lord. Driscoll often preaches that there are open handed issues in the church (attire, alcohol, indie rock, etc) and there are closed handed issues (Jesus is God). The open handed issues are secondary and ultimately have the propensity to cause division. In our marriage, we have really learned a lot from two very mature and godly couples who do not push their agenda on others. They love, and let live- if I can rewrite the cliche a little bit! Caleb wisely informed me that we will never "arrive" as a couple, and we probably wouldn't even know if we were at that place where we feel our mentors are. He told me that, the scariest thing of all, is that we have judged people in our lives creating blinders to some of our own flaws. The matters that we are passionate about are for us, and we must fervantly strive to care for those subjects respectfully.

There is no one right way to do things. No perfect financial plan, dietary plan, parenting plan, or cadence for how to live. I am trying to adopt this ideology so that Jesus can be exemplified in my life. God knew that I would need a man who allowed the Holy Spirit to work in his life and therefore those changes in his heart would trickle down to me. It's really challenging for me to guard my tongue at times. Kymm in high school would drive the point home with people until they were either offended, or belittled, or both. I was by definition, a jerk with a big mouth.
I think my family expects that person, and by God's grace, my heart is being transformed. It may be a long bumpy road, but I am submitting my life to the authority of scripture and the counsel of my husband. I don't want my initial responses to my friends and family to be an adjudication of how they choose to live. I pray that the Lord strips me of a haughty disposition.

It's going to be a long journey...


~To Kendra & Josh...David & Michelle....thank you for being instrumental in our life!~

Learning about Pride Via Parenting

lately, i've been realizing the undeniable pride that is birthed at the same moment one's beautiful baby enters the world. the irony in the matter is to recognize that the people whom are somewhat aggrivating by their overwhelming admiration for the many affectations that their little bundles embody are in fact, yourself in certain instances.

it is not my goal to make my first blog a cynical rant of what parental faux pas i'm learning to stomach and avoid over committing. simply put, i have been desperately trying to remind myself of the affection i desire to have for Jesus, versus the pleasure and focus on my little baby boy. in no way does being a mom, or a wife "complete me" or keep the bevey of problamatic inconveniences that life holds at bay.

truthfully, i am finding it all too easy to stand in my pride based on research and experience thus far, regarding parenting and how i do life. i pray that humility will take hold of my spirit and the Lord will work on my heart, for there is nothing to rally for but the person and work of Jesus. His redemptive work has given me the blessings that i am working not to make mini idols in my life.

it is all too easy to judge what other parents, couples, and families do. all stories in parenting and marriage seem to possess some form of comparison and that is what can ruffle the feathers. i'm going to work to be content with the decisions that my husband and I make, if they remain Biblical and edifying. whether or not my peers conceed with those choices does not call for concern or debate.

oh, mini rant.

suffice it to say, i long to deminish vanity, pride and the illusion of righteousness. eating organic, raising your kids to be little impressive soldiers, recycling, "going green," are seemingly important issues to be passionate for. i will love my kids, and my sweet hubby, but aim to boast in the Lord.