Our First Week Of Foster Care

Last Friday we welcomed our first foster child into our home. The phone rang at 4:15pm and I was busy baking cakes for my son's 4^th birthday party. There were layers of cakes on cooling racks strewn about, and one whole cake already sitting with a crumb coat. Whenever my cell phone rings these days my heart races because it's likely a realtor calling for another showing of our house, or perhaps the most important kind of call, the one from DSHS.

I knew her name immediately. They had told us in training who makes the call for placements around here, so I quickly grabbed my binder and a pencil so that I could go through the questions that another foster family had shared with me. I had to assure her that the crying in the background was just one of my children in 'time out,' and we could continue to go through the questions. We had about 35 minutes to deliberate because DSHS was about to close. I called Caleb and we went through all of the questions and answers together. We talked soberly and I tried to answer his questions with what little info I had been given. The first of many phone calls that will require a great deal of faith in the Lord to go before us, and sustain us as we welcome kids into our home.

I'll never forget what it felt like walking up to the little guy. Adrenaline had been propelling me forward, but the moment I saw him my steps slowed, and my heart felt sluggish and nervous. I couldn't see his small face because he was nuzzled into the side of a social worker. Everyone looked burnt out, but they were kind and still upbeat. I cannot imagine having 30+ families as a case load, birth parents, foster parents, and innocent children who are all clamoring at the Social Worker for aid and assistance. They make so little money, and work an exorbitant amount hours, and everyone though smiling had bags under their eyes. The amount of paperwork alone appeared daunting much less the task of calmly reigning in all of the emotions that come forth.

The next few days throughout the weekend were a blur. We had a family birthday dinner for my son, then a large birthday party with his peers on Sunday. We weren't sleeping, and one of my friends pointed out that I would have to start getting a break to take care of myself because the adrenaline was going to wear out at some point. She was right. By Monday, I was weary physically, but leaning so heavily on Jesus that things were still fairly harmonious. This baby really attached to me, and that certainly made it easier to have him around.

Knowing this reminds me to prayerfully approach each placement seeking the Kingdom, because not all kids will attach. Some kids, perhaps even most, will be completely indignant and unappreciative. That's okay too. Caleb had a great point, “there is absolutely nothing for us to gain in this.” He couldn't be more correct. A friend of mine asked if there is compensation. Sure, but after buying diapers, clothing, and spending hours upon hours driving and sitting at appointments (medical, dental, referrals, visitations, counseling,) the truth is that it isn't a business. A business closes it's doors at night, it isn't up rocking a child at midnight, then again at 4am, and then again at nap time. This isn't a way to make money. I've never felt more fatigue than I did this last week and health is worth more than a paycheck.

The most important thing for me to highlight in this post is the love and support we received from people rallying around our little family. Offers for shoes, clothing, grocery runs, lattes and more poured in from those we do life with locally. Members of our church brought meals all week, and that hands down was an essential component to easing in to being a family of six. By 5pm each day I could barely move, especially with homeschool and running Allied not being put on hold too much. Each day I would update my closest girlfriends, and share how God was sustaining us and how near he was to us. 

When our little guy transitioned to live with a family member my kids and I sat down on the carpet just before heading to DSHS, and each of them prayed for him. Clara mostly mumbled. It was beautiful. So many people have asked how my kids did adjusting to having a baby brother come in, and I am thankful to say that this is a part of training them up. Caleb's parents had foster kiddos also, and my dad cultivated the desire to provide aid for the homeless and the destitute. We have never, by grace, departed from that. Our children are learning what it means to strip away the layers of selfishness that we all inherently embody. They're seeing and living firsthand what it means to care for the widows and orphans. We cannot approach this with trepidation because we know Jesus is with us. Obedience is an act of love, not duty.

My hard heart regarding adoption.

      The handful of you who will read this post know that my husband and I are becoming licensed foster parents through our state. When we were engaged we talked about adoption a lot, and though our initial picture of what that may look like has certainly changed, by grace the intention of doing so has not. Through books, social media, conferences, and the positive model of peers who foster and have adopted, we are mentally equipped. For our emotions, safety, and all other tangible provisions we lean heavily on the Lord. We know that we want to be obedient in taking part [in some way] in orphan care. However, I would be remiss, and robbing God of his glory if I didn't share how He had changed my heart over the last three years.

My hard heart had some objections and sinful concepts that I wrestled with, and likely because of personal pride. Here are two of them:

*The mom at church who already has a gob of kids, yet is fundraising for international adoption, AND/or domestic adoption via foster care. To the believer with God's mission and glory in mind, this family sounds like they're on track. To the rest of the world; believers and non-believers, they seem crazy. How will they care for, clothe, and educate that many children? But those weren't even my sinful primary objections.
It was the thinking that she must be quiver-full. She has no identity apart from mothering. She must have no other gifts or talents to contribute other than being a homemaker. She just wants the attention.

I could say that I am embarrassed for sharing this covetous, arrogant, and unloving demeanor I had toward a fellow sister, and her family, but I want to make sure we all get what God can do. He can take my wretched heart and transform it so judgment and eye rolling are no longer the response.

*There are plenty of children in America that need a loving, safe home, I am not called to international adoption. While both points may be somewhat true, I can still come alongside a family who is called to redeem the life of a 12 year old girl in China, who would have otherwise "aged out" at 14 and been shoved into slave labor, sex trafficking, or worse. A woman in a class of mine this year actually adopted an older child, NOT a baby, and her life, their lives will never be the same-for the better. Who am I to think that God wouldn't take care of my family if we gave generously to an overseas adoption? Does he not clothe the lilies and feed the sparrows? And, while my heart wasn't anti-international adoption, I wasn't on the front lines promoting or supporting it as much as I could or should have been.

The heart of the world has objections too. What if one of my children is harmed? What if I get attached? We just aren't called to that. Only certain people can handle such an endeavor. To some extent this may be true. The keynote speaker from the One Conference this last weekend made the point that not everyone can, or should bring kids into their home. But, in light of the gospel, we can all joyfully participate in some way.

My great hope and prayer is that Jesus will continue to soften and transform the heart of those who call him Lord, and awaken to find a role and conduit to aid in orphan care. May unbelief and selfish ambition, or the pride of life all be far from those who God has called and adopted to Himself. Mostly, I offer thanks and praise to my Father in Heaven for sanctification, and his active work in my heart.

Exchanging the truth for a lie....

25 because they exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen. -Romans 1:25

I've just returned from the Mars Hill Women's Training Day held at the Bellevue campus. Similar to the training day that I attended two years ago, I have a lot to process and chip away at. 
Both training day experiences have left me with the exact same question: do I want to be known? 

Do I want to attempt to allow other women to speak into my life, witness my ugly moments, walk with me through the muddy waters of living this side of Heaven? Because, honestly, Americans all seem a bit phony. The facade of the Pinterest Mom and her household, the Sunday Christians (more of us than we want to admit), the humble brags on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, all make me cringe a little bit inside, or roll my eyes, or worse, inspire comparison then competition. 

We have exchanged the truth for a lie. We have believed things that are purely from Satan, or if we can be really honest, from our own wicked and deceitful heart. When the Bible talks about how rotten our hearts are, it isn't describing just those unsaved. The seasoned Christian isn't exempt here. Our hearts are sinful, completely filled with unrighteousness and manipulative motivation. An easy example that I can think of is when I have casually posted a "Takethemameal" photo and hashtag on Instagram to show the beautiful spread that I created to "serve" others. But, who gets the proverbial pat on the back with 15 'likes'? Who gets the glory via kind comments? Me. I do. I get the glory and rob Jesus of the credit he so rightly deserves. I have done this. It was coy. It wasn't showy. That's an example of how manipulative and wicked the heart can be. 

At the Training Day we talked about beauty. That was the only topic  dissected and disassembled into many different takeaways. At the very end of the 9am-4pm day we wrote down some lies on a piece of paper; probably like 500 of us, and dropped them into a basket at the foot of the cross, then we walked past another basket full of pieces of paper with scripture on it. A truth. We gave up some of our lies and took up God's word. Here is what my piece of paper read: 
  
John 1:12-13 But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

If I chose to believe that I have become a child of God, I would submit to you that accepting truth over lies is going to heavily rely on grace and the conviction of the Holy Spirit daily. Hourly. Because, the lies pop up, the judgment pops up, the cutting down and tearing apart of my fellow sisters pops up, and it's ugly. And, I want to apologize. Apologize to all of my sisters whom I have offered a false encouragement to regarding their selfies, and kid brags, and every other way that we sin online specifically. I have done a disservice by perpetuating what has just become the norm for society.

I have done a disservice by saying things like this: 
"She lost the baby weight so fast, and only eats organic, and her kids love kale. She is so exceptional. Ugh, I have a lot to fix. Man, tomorrow I am going to start doing..."

"She knows SO much of the Bible. I bet her kids are better theologians than I will ever be. I wish I could know God like that." 

Or, conversely, I have BEEN that wife who posts how my husband just deep cleaned the whole house with a tooth brush. Who knows how many of my peers I made jealous...covetous, irritated with me or their spouse? Even more absurd is that Caleb doesn't even want public praise on Facebook. He would rather me go straight to his face and tell him. How often do we do this with God? 

Recently, I kicked Instagram off of my iPhone. It was not edifying. However, the other day I felt the urge to take a picture of Clara's #ootd (outfit of the day), and share it with my IG followers because she just looked SO cute. And, the Holy Spirit stopped me in my iPhone clenching tracks and whispered to me to just thank Jesus for my little girl. For this little doll of a person that I never expected to love and cherish as much as I do. I didn't NEED to post her looking "adorbs" because she is more than that. She is made in His image and likeness, and by His grace she will know Him, and love Him, and walk with Him. Her beauty will derive from him. In that impulse of wanting to 'share' I was actually wanting the positive attention that comes from cute kid pics. I was wanting props for how cute I dress my daughter. I wanted the glory. It wasn't something I even gave much thought to, it was the instantaneous desire of my heart that sin nature creates and then manifests in different ways. For the modern mom, those ways come out through Instagram, Facebook, and the like. Don't get me wrong, gossip and playdate infractions still exist as a normal way to devour our sisters. However, online sharing seems to be taking over. And, whether gossip doesn't ensue (husbands included), we ought to examine whether we are sinning against one another in our hearts.

I want to chose to really buy into my adoption as "sons and daughters" by not contributing to the vanities and lip service seen online. Encouragement has it's time and place, but unless it points us to Jesus and His outstanding love and grace, it is really only hinders maturation. I want to chose to believe that I am His, by not being silly and insecure when someone pays me a compliment about an outfit, or my hair. We can still receive praise but leave it at that and not elaborate or apologize for, or fuss over ourselves so much. The more we fuss over ourselves, the more we are saying that God made a mistake. He doesn't know what we need. He is withholding from us. He can't relate. We are believing lies, and cultivating other people's internal lies by allowing the image and projection of our lives to take first place. 

We should image Jesus. We should direct all things, and I mean everything to and about, and from Jesus. He is the good news. He is our beautiful savior. We will never get enough 'likes', or have our spouses dote on us enough, or be the same body shape post babies. We just won't be satisfied apart from Him. Once we learn and accept [daily] that this story; our existence, is meant to bring glory for his name's sake, then we can know true beauty. 

Written on December 30th, 2011

It's hailing here in Kirkland. The window is fogged completely and little pebbles
of frozen precipitation dance playfully down my car. My heart is heavy.

I am seeing evidences of God's grace daily. Caleb and I had a tough week over Christmas/weekend. It turns out that starting a business with two small children and minimal start up capital is very challenging. And, before you think in your head- "well, duh," just know that we are doing our very best. We try to be good stewards of our money. Knowing first that the Lord has us in the palm of his hand. Trusting in him 110% to always deliver us- even from ourselves. We are two young adults making our way through the waters of small business and parenting. There is seemingly so much outside criticism. That's okay. A lot of things we do derive from strong convictions from the Holy Spirit. We cannot conform to the pattern of this world.

Marriage is hard. Being a SAHM is insanely hard [sometimes]. I am grateful for the family of friends that we have who uphold the same values and core beliefs that we do. Because, without these peers who have been imparted so much wisdom by the Lord alone, we would feel really alone& lost socially. I love the family who raised me, but traditional roles and even staying home is not exactly hailed as something to be commended for. Choosing to stand by my husband as the head of our household because it just works naturally, or seeing every daily milestone- and they happen, with my children is precious. It is absolutely a calling.

I hope that my heart will continue to be soft enough to follow Jesus. To be like him. To love like he does. To walk with him and know him well. I never want to talk about him as pro athletes or movie stars do pointing to the sky, or never saying his name. He IS God. His name is probably used more in a profane way then by Bible believing Christians.

our life this spring

baby number three is due in a matter of seven to twelve weeks. i can't believe how much change we've experienced in these four short years of marriage. yesterday, i was remembering myself in high school and thanking the Lord that i am not that person. additionally, my life has not become what i had envisioned it would be like when i was that age looking to the future. it is by His tender grace that gave me a husband who both loves and serves Jesus. he says cynical things like: "i don't care if our kids are just mediocre at a lot of things as long as they know the gospel, and walk with Jesus. i don't want them to ever feel like their identity comes from being super smart or excelling at a sport or instrument." the Asian part of me cringes at his rationale at times because for much of my life education; the honor roll, the Dean's List, etc, was paramount. my dad fostered the desire to be considered bright and "highly intelligent," which became a part of my identity. music was just as important to our family, therefore having a solo, or being a section leader in marching band was praised. i don't fault my parents for that upbringing, it shaped much of who i am today regarding discipline and work ethic. the chief idea here, is that i am slowly adjusting to what feels like a nonchalant ideology on Caleb's part.

 the Lord has blessed us beyond our own personal goals or aspirations, and our trust in him makes submitting to his greater plan easy. we will have had three kids (under four years old) within 4.5 years of marriage- while running two small businesses, and maintaining two mortgages. and we rest in the solace of knowing Him and His sovereign hand in every facet of our existence. the fact that we both grew up in church, and attend church regularly does not necessarily equate to the precious daily cry for grace and love required to get through this lifetime. i am so glad that his glory is the end goal. that our jobs, children, homes, cars, worries, petty issues, fears, complaints, and aptitudes are all vanity and fleeting under the sun. oh, to bring glory for His name's sake! the joy of it. the peace in accepting that as first importance. my heart can barely handle the thought of how he loves us. i wish that i could spend more time writing, but small and curious people now require my attention.

 i couldn't be more blessed.

 Jesus, thank you for your unfailing love. for the desire that the Holy Spirit gives my husband and i to want to know you and serve you. thank you for interceding for our sins; past, present, and future, we know that you died for all of them. you make beauty from ashes. please continue to draw us near to you, and help us to rely on your role as king. direct us as parents, friends, stewards of our time, talent and treasure. we need you. *KBA*

Pride. Because, we are smarter, faster, leaner, more beautiful, more competent, with polite children, with five star hotels, and program after program to boast about.

Did you know that I have struggled with boasting my entire life? One of my elementary school teachers actually informed my parents at a conference that I was boastful beyond reproach. I admit it fully now, here to you, as if you hadn't already gathered that this could be an area of weakness in my life. I aim to be transparent which could also be preceived as gloating about what I, by God's grace, have and do not have. Pride disgusts me, and yet I am the chief sinner of this terrible attribute. The fact that it's hailed with such immense respect to be political, go green, love "our Mother Earth", eat organic, be atheletic, have successful children, be educated, look attractive, have a good job, enjoy a specific lifestyle, can all one way or another be traced back to pride. Think about it, the person who is the first person to graduate from college in their family, should get to brag freely about the obstacle that they have both overcome and redeemed for their moniker. Right? They worked hard and plowed through the throws of daunting classes and Starbucks runs to earn that degree.

And yet, King Solomon says that it's all meaningless under the sun.
Or maybe the Beatles ripped off Solomon's Old Testament concepts one better with their recoginizable lyrics: "There's nothing you can do that can't be done"
Is it all meaningless?If it is, then where does pride fit into the equation?

Boasting, bragging, gloating, noting; as I like to say when I'm trying to be sneaky with my tongue to Caleb, where do these actions lead us, but further into ourselves?
Now, those who follow Biblical principals would aspire to wanting to be more like Christ and less like ourselves. Therefore, there is no room for pride which gives birth to much selfishness-some of which we can justify practically, but it is what it is. It is what it is.
No one likes a know-it-all. Knowing it all comes from pride. Humility is attractive, however it is not championed by many because it is not popular. It doesn't win votes, or favor, not like "confidence."

My goal is not to offend my peers, but to share what has been stirred in my heart. I constantly reevaluate this very topic. My husband frequently rolls his eyes in contempt for my obvious concern of what others may think of us, me, Noah, Nicholas.
It's all meaningless.

If you're an atheist- then you can agree, it's all meaningless in the long haul since there is nothing for us after death.
If you're a Christian- then you know that we are to bring glory to God and not ourselves. Bringing glory to His name is the only thing that is not meaningless.

Cynical? Sure. I find great peace in knowing that all toil on earth is just that. We all grow up and get jobs...some people have great jobs that produce a desirable way of living, some people deal with life with money and devotion to hobbies, and some people are broke as a joke with no hope. It's all toil. Toil with some nice dinners and vacations forced in.

Jesus, I pray that Caleb and I can think little of ourselves in light of who you are. Guide us in raise children who ultimately know, fear and seek you. Holy Spirit, enable us to freely sacrifice our time, talent and treasure as it is not ours but yours to give. Humble and teach us according to truths of the Bible. Help us to accept and impart grace daily.
*KBA*

And so it begins...

There is an innate desire to protect and nurture my child from offenders. Even verbal offenders. I watched as someone spoke to him with such obvious disdain, as if he were an aggravating lap dog. It broke my heart. I wanted to scoop him up and tell him how sweet and bright I find him. That his strong willed nature as some deem him, doesn't bother me, but that I will do my best to foster any trace of tenacity and might in him. I don't want to parent for other people's approval or good graces, but instead because the Lord has entrusted me this young life to shape and guide. I exist to teach Noah how to bring Jesus glory through words, deeds, actions- etc.

My Sister & Brother in law have three stunningly adorable, smart, and what some might call loud little girls. Maybe not loud, but one can definitely tell when they are present or not. Yet, I have not really seen either parent discourage their offspring from what is natural, age appropriate play and behavior. They are confident in their parenting; their discipline and their overwhelming love. I want to parent like that. So what if someone gives me the stink eye?! No apologies or excuses unless my child is outwardly sinning against another person, or is endangering himself. Close examination of the heart may reveal that parents often labor under their personal pride thus changing how they chose to approach parenting and it's many facets.

Most frustrating, are those who don't believe in the term 'Age Appropriate.' They balk in their brain thinking it is an excuse for lazy parents who don't discipline their children. I must confess, I've shared that approach that the child is solely the product of poor parenting. However, the Lord wants me to know humility and so I do as I learn first hand what it's like to raise a toddler.

Lord, I pray fervently, that I can have grace, patience and joy in being a mommy. Let my motivations and directives derive from Biblical wisdom and principals. Give Caleb and I the tools and aptitude to cultivate in our children characteristics that above all, honor you.

*KBA*

Life as we know it...

well, here i am in the third trimester with our second child. i feel strong and healthy, even though i have points in the day and night of discomfort. i always wanted to name one of my children after a character from The Great Gatsby, so Nick, or Nicholas, is fitting. what's more so is that Noah & Nicholas paired together is satisfactory to me. after all, Caleb wouldn't have anything to do with Andrew, Samuel or Carter. my little Nick (Carraway) will be here within no time and surely we will delight in him as we have Noah.

it's difficult to grasp that we have been in Eastern Washington for coming on three years this May. constantly reevaluating whether we belong in Seattle or not. truly, it is nice to play house in all it's front yard, back yard, upstairs-downstairs glory. yet, there are still things that are amiss for us as a family. unfortunately, not having Mars Hill as a fellowship greatly weighs upon us. however, technology lends much to our aid and there is little excuse for not tuning in to podCasts and whatnot. it comes down to seeking the Lord as to whether we are "called" (although, I hate that term) to live here.

pros and cons stream through my brain daily making truth challenging to cling to. no matter what transpires regarding our home address, we will soon be a family of four. con: i can't imagine Noah not living near his favorite person-"Amp-AH." pro: better work for Caleb on the west side, hands down.

i want to put to rest any anxiety around life as we know it, because for one, it isn't Biblical (Philippians 4:6). secondly, it isn't healthy for little Nicholas brewing away in there. lastly, i trust the Lord to use Caleb as the spiritual leader of our home to guide and intercede for our family in all things. i yield a sufficient amount of my type A personality to the joy of Biblical headship within our home. not to say that i am feeble and mute within our happenings.

so here we are, three years of contractual marriage in, nearly two children in our midst, and a constant need for Jesus. at the end of the day we are always on the same page. congruent in the big details of raising babies, saving money, striving for spiritual maturity. it is note worthy that we have made fantastic friendships in both Seattle and the Tri-Cities.

well, for now, this is where we are. profoundly blessed, and possibly unable to see how the Lord is growing us.

that is all...

KBA

Jesus.

It is often controversial to claim to follow Christianity. To be a "little Christ."
However, much of the controversy does not derive from people talking about the person and work of Jesus, but from their hypocrisy and judgmental demeanor.
A heart that wants to serve and love others is granted by the Holy Spirit, and greatly counters the religious rituals and vernacular that so frequently offends.
Sadly, the role of the church hasn't always met the needs of widows, orphans and the desperate. The programs, multiple 'love' offerings, and all together phony facade that many churches embody are a disgusting display of the gross miss communication of what grace, humility and truth actually are.

Jesus. The way, the truth and the life. The Bible is an account of his life; with the Old Testament lending a prophetic word, and the New Testament is the collection of stories telling how those prophesies were fulfilled. A Bible believing Christian seeks to learn about Jesus and his tremendous love, not necessarily to follow "the road map to life." The aim for the Christian is to want to know and possess affection for Jesus, who was fully God, and fully man. Too many Christians have done the faith filled random pull of sentences from the Bible that "perfectly fit the situation they were in!" Which, cynical as this sounds, misses the point that the Bible is not about us. It's not about us. Recognition that the Bible is an testimony of who Jesus was, and that it shares the loving truth about him is crucial to the continual need to humility. We cannot die to ourselves if we make every thing about ourselves. That includes, so conversely to what modern evangelists may infer, referring to scripture (Jeremiah 29:11) out of context to make us feel better. We are inherently sinful. We are a broken, selfish, prideful mass since the beginning of time, who Jesus said out of our heart flows the most deceitful and unpleasant things (paraphrase), therefore no one is a "good person." Everyone to their core is wicked and sinful and needing only one thing, and that is to be lead by the conviction of the Holy Spirit to become more like the person of Jesus Christ.

Christians have it wrong too often, a program, or routine won't solve the issues of the heart. Other religions survive by preaching works and legalism, or searching within oneself.

The sole answer is: JESUS.

I've been struggling lately with our place as a family coming from a thriving community and church in Seattle, even though we moved away two years ago. It seems pointless to desire the previous arrangement while struggling to redeem the present. And, the consensus that I have is that I love Jesus, more than any church, group of people, or city, and that is enough. I want to know him deeply. Walk with him daily. Dwell where he is. And, by God's grace I will live in a way that reflects his image.
I heard Pastor Bill Clem describe us this way, " We are like a mirror, shattered and broken, and God has to take all the pieces and put them back together so that they reflect him." I liked this analogy because it relies solely on God (Jesus), and does not put the ball in our court as individuals. We must respond in obedience to the conviction of the Holy Spirit if we know Christ, and love others well.

Jesus, I pray for your continual guidance and grace. Your love is undeniable to me.

KBA

for Caleb...

to me...

love is a game of cribbage set to The Postal Service

love is the first time we sat on the same side of a table leaving one booth empty

love is the blue in your eyes that I delight in as if they were two jewels

love is your tenderness for the tiny life we created together

love is being known and sought after, even though I am stubborn

love is being an 'Us', a wonderful series of highs and lows marked by God's perfect grace

The Bible: black & white and wildly unpopular.

There are certain things that the Bible is specific about. Jesus is God. Fully man, Fully God. Jesus is the [only] way to the Father (Sorry, Oprah, "arrogant" or not, it's true.) There are areas that are a little more gray, e.g. alcohol-to drink or not to drink, masturbation, whether or not to get a tattoo. Those gray areas are where a Christian who knows the Lord and follows the Bible, can rely on the conviction of the Holy Spirit.
Caleb likes to drink beer; he makes his own at home, and it is not a stumbling block for him because he doe not suffer from alcoholism. Thus far, he has not been convicted regarding drinking. I have 3 tattoos...and where some people find this defiling of my "body as a temple," it completely negates that Jesus himself is described in Revelation with a tattoo on his thigh. I feel no pressing desire to remove, or regret having tattoos. The gray area can be somewhat revealed through prayer and fasting.

But the black and white areas, well, that's exactly what they are. Whether you're a humanitarian or not, you can love people and respect their lives without encouraging or enabling them to live a certain way. I believe the Bible to be true. From beginning to end. Not as a "road map to life," but as a prophetic, incredible account of Jesus' life. Every word is "God breathed and profitable," and it seems hypocritical to pick and choose areas of the Bible to go along with if you love God-Father, Spirit, Son. Therefore, I must admit, I will not support or advocate any group that clearly goes against the Living, Breathing WORD of God.
I like people. I really do. I don't care how they choose to live, but at the end of the day, I want to stand firm in what I believe, and that might be offensive. There are popular cultural movements that people just can't deal with due to the immense level of confrontation involved. So they buckle, and say: "we need to just love everyone, and not judge people, etc, etc." which is true, but it's ALSO okay to remain true to who you say and think you are.
I don't condemn anyone, because that's not my place. I have friends who are gay. Friends who are constantly partying. Friends who are fornicators. I've lived a bleak life in years passed, and by God's grace been redeemed from that. And I would be the last person to hate or not be friends with someone who doesn't live by the Bible. But, when they ask me, "what do you think?" or "is this an okay thing to do?" I would candidly share that every other path that doesn't point to Jesus Christ causes pain, destruction, and goes against the design that God intended.
"Christians" who picket gay funerals, or kill abortion doctors "in the name of God" don't make matters any better. They clearly don't understand what Jesus meant by love your neighbor. Ultimately, only the Lord can change people, so if you're out there with a megaphone hating gays, lesbians or unmarried partners, you're an idiot. STOP.

Dear Jesus, I pray that my heart could be soft and filled with your truth. That I would not grow frustrated with people in my life, or with myself. I hope to be in Heaven with you some day and be free from the bondage of sin and depravity.

*KBA*

loss

deep within me is sorrow

a womb whose joy has been emptied

i longed solely to usher in life...

but the plans of Creator God were not such.

still even today i woke thinking it some
terrible slumber.

yet the lullabies i want to offer won't fall upon ears at all.

I've been convicted lately about boastfulness. I'll be the first to admit that many a sentence sounds like this from my lips: "oh yeah, I got this dress at Macy's for SIX BUCKS!!! [OR] "this couch is from Craigslist basically brand new for $$$." I also tend to speak in terms of money when I'm around other people, namely those who are in the same stage of life as we are. Elaborating endlessly on all the "great deals" we find, or how to cut corners, and really, I see that this worship of being cheap is just a different way to idolize money and boast in how great of a job we're doing. Instead, wouldn't it be better to give glory to God for from him all blessings flow? It wasn't ME who chose to shop in a frugal way, it was the conviction of the Holy Spirit, and God's grace alone that a better financial decision was made. I am looking at this from a few angles.

The first angle: being cheap sometimes means that one can obtain more. The less spent on one item merits more spending on other little things. Things that might not be essential, and signifies that we as people desire wiggle room in our budgets to feel secure. Being frugal allows us to make more purchases, thus the pursuit of stuff is not diminished, but justified by it's price tag.

Angle two: Boasting in our 'awesome finds' makes us seem shopper savvy, or financially responsible, but might be a clue that we idolize money so much that we are still misusing it, not to further the Gospel, or be sacrificial.

I don't want to become legalistic on this issue, but I do feel it is important to keep the "last taboo," somewhat reserved. Admitting fully, that I am remarkably guilty of bragging about how much we acquire from Craigslist or sales items. I want Jesus to receive the glory for the lifestyle we are blessed with. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change."~James 1:17

THANK YOU CARDS

lately, i've been pondering the concept of thank you cards. most of the women i know have a weird fixation on thank you cards and making sure they either send or receive them. i am no different, i love to collect different kinds, and have them blank & on hand. i've even heard people complain when they haven't received one, or a new mom suffer in shame because she couldn't get the baby shower thank you's out in time. what is the deal with thank you cards?
i want to propose this, that a good deal of giving is in fact, not gracious at all. people remember what they've given, and want to be praised or rewarded through a piece of paper. if a thank you note isn't given then the person is butt hurt (for lack of a better term), and they judge that person. "why couldn't sally get her thank you's done for her wedding/birthday/baby shower? I ALWAYS get mine done, and I have 8 kids running around! BLAH BLAH BLAH." a sense of pride and judgment completely clouds what was supposed to be a generous act in the first place.
this got me thinking...how many thank you cards do i owe my parents? they've contributed both emotionally and financially an absurd amount of energy into me, and i haven't given them some lousy note every time it called for one. to take it a step further, how many thank you cards do i owe Jesus? thank you for grace, for oxygen, for keeping me from a car accident, for health, for trials...
thank you cards, although i'm quite sure i will continue to use them, have become a conduit to keeping up with social norms and lends to arrogance at times. i'm not saying every person who utilizes one is truly doing it to demonstrate proper etiquette, however, i do recognize that honest generosity doesn't EXPECT anything in return. NOTHING.
my very good friend, and perhaps THE most considerate person i know was coaching me on this last week as i was offended and hurt by the actions of some friends that Caleb and i have. she gently told me that i have to readjust my expectations of those people because they are not capable of being accommodating, gracious or compassionate towards us. if i enter into situations with them, or people like them, i won't feel let down, and my motivations will be honest and true. i know that i have the propensity to do the right thing for the wrong reason. just as thank you cards have that potential.
the gist: love and give generously because the Lord has done so with you...and don't expect the same behavior, devotion or a THANK YOU card in return :)

*KBA*
Continuing to learn about people, life and grace.

Old cynical rantings that I found...

very embarrassing thoughts, and not shared out of pride or arrogance, but merely amusement and humility. coming up on 2years of marriage with the most amazing man in the world...finding pages of sloppy cursive left me giggling at myself:


So much of my feelings, or persona in general are summed up in Joni Mitchell's 'Cactus Tree.' Many have been quick to like me, yet my unconvinced and fickle heart chooses solitude over romance. "Too busy being free," are the lyrics to that intelligent song, and yes, someone pin-pointed it for me- who would love a girl whose priorities are ever changing? No rational man would choose to pursue a girl who doesn't seemingly desire to "stay put," or as my parents say, "land." What does it mean to "land?" Does it mean to arrive? We never truly arrive as humans. Does it mean arriving at the point of adulthood via marriage and commitment? And why would I assume that just because I arrived at the milestone of marriage that I would be done "arriving?" I will never cease internal and external change. Not only will my body grow slack and less appealing, but my view on the world; it's people and life in general will consistently change. How can I commit to loving and lawfully belonging to one person when they may very well wake up one day and hate me?

I am now aged twenty two years, and I look back at the girl I was only three years ago and barely relate. Who was she? More so, who will 'he' be in three years? What will be important to him, whoever 'he' is? I'll say one thing, however, this year has been a better one as far as "staying put" goes. My parents find their daughter's frequent relocation dreadfully aggravating. Seattle's slow and collected nature serves me well. The cruel irony of life is that I belong on the East coast despite my upbringing, yet I recognize my priority to be near my family. I guess I've learned Some things that please me, or make me tick rather. I am blessed by my learnings these last thirty-six months. Now who will I find to relate to me?

It's funny because I truly believe that God wants me to recognize the possibilities he has for me. I find it silly yet naive to cling to the adoration of ONE person. I ask again, Now who will I find to relate to me? Either I am too experienced, too concerned about eating healthy, or I'm too high strung, or too young...too old...there's always, and I mean always some unchangeable variable that automatically eliminates any potential. I will not stop working like a mad woman, and I will be educated, bold, well traveled, and those truths I consider built into who I am.

No one will relate to me perfectly. People are selfish and ever changing so why fool oneself into thinking you can settle into marriage? The only one for me is Jesus. Yes, the Sunday school, cute answer. But seriously, I am being realistic about what I know is unwavering and really, the Love of God is it. Does this resound of cynical ideals? Well, sure, at least I can go on a practical theory. It's funny how I've actually tried to believe for the last year that God has someone for me. He could, but this life is not about ME and Really I should aim to serve God and not my own petitions.
I want to give the Lord all of my heart, and I want him to take it. In fact, this is the only hope I have to feel somewhat secure in this time. I've come to accept that there is no one for me. This is not dramatic. I am not closed off. If I met someone whom I really hit it off with, someone who would encourage my walk with God, I would throw all of my cynical thoughts out the window and give it a shot. "Everything has a time and season under heaven." Ecc 3:11 So maybe...just maybe I will have a season of Love. Who knows.

rallying for Jesus

lately, upon chatting with friends i've noticed a strong desire deep within me to express my passions for certain topics, but finding a gentle tug at my heart steering me in a different direction.
i love research. There is no greater afternoon for me than one filled with gaining insight, usually via reading although sometimes through situations. While i was pregnant i read over ten books on midwifery, breastfeeding, postpartum, and attachment parenting. Like my eldest sister, i am becoming increasingly informed on carseat safety, and find that i want to scream from a mountain top with a megaphone that parents are ridiculous to take their chances when it comes to cars. But i know...something in me says-be edifying in your relationships, have grace. It is exceedingly challenging for me. And i have to handle it with kid gloves otherwise my tenacity can be bruising. It is by God's grace that the lion in me doesn't attack others for choosing different paths, options, etc.
at Mars Hill this last Sunday, Pastor Mark explained it this way: if you are a die hard democrat then you demonize republicans. Because we worship the things we are most passionate about. We take good things and make them god things. Little g- god things. And it struck Caleb and I. Even though i constantly have to remind myself that i only need to rally for the person and work of Jesus.
I shouldn't demonize women who don't breastfeed, or people who forward face their kids before the recommended age. I wish i could just not care. What it comes down to is my pride and imposed righteousness regarding those topics. Even if i did know more, or different points it is not going to show grace or point to Jesus.
Lord, i pray that i can be a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend who above all else, lives for your reputation.

conviction no more?

is it possible to go through seasons of conviction? During what has become weekly coffee and accountability with a friend i had to sheepishly discuss the fact that i reactivated one of my two former online networking sites. She told me that stepping away for a season may have been an adequate break, but to honestly evaluate my time spent, and how it can affect my thought life. And really, thus far, i don't feel like having facebook is a stumbling block...sure, there are some people on my friends list whom i have zero reason to foster a relationship with, but on the whole, the same pressing feeling isn't there as it was in February.

so, i have to assume, that as we are set free from certain burdens as we walk through life, that our convictions can and do change? I do want to continue to be prayerful around the matter, and respectful to Caleb because he isn't too keen on social networking. if i start to sense that having a profile completely about myself is getting in the way of where I want my identity to reside which is Jesus, than it's time for the account to go [again].

it's kind of embarrassing to present these struggles for all to see, but I guess one could call it accountability? ;)

that's all, short blog...i'm exhausted and Caleb just returned from hanging out with the guys so I want to go close out the day with him!

KBA

A memory to forget

Few memories of my Grandma stand out the way one evening does. A girl friend, Lindsey Lovette; the neighborhood wild child at age seven, was staying the night with me at my Grandma Marie's apartment. It was a seedy dive of a building where she, unlike her wealthy siblings had chosen to live out the remaining years of her life. My grandfather, who died a few months before I was born, had owned a Chinese restaurant in downtown Pasco for over thirty years. It burned down near the same time as lung cancer started to claim his existence. My Grandma worked day in and day out at the restaurant, and in loving her husband whom she married at a ripe age. Widowed, and without church, her only grandchild, a girl, became her reason to live.

Birthdays, and holidays seemed to merit a spending spree in the toy aisle at K-Mart. She would take me there, allow me to fill the cart with Barbies and accessories which I had to swear not to tell my dad about lest he have "a hissy fit." She was 4'11'', a plump and pretty Chinese woman whose laugh I will never get over, and think on some fifteen years later as I celebrate life's joys without her.

As her health deteriorated the effects became noticeable externally. Before suffering a crippling stroke, she experienced cataracts in her left eye. Emotionally, she wanted to enjoy our relationship the way she had, but stressful situations provided more strain. The night that Lindsey Lovette became my first and only guest to stay at Grandma's, haunts me to this day. My trouble making peer shamelessly shoved a gum wrapper into the couch cushion. When Grandma Marie found it she was furious. Outraged. She asked who had committed the crime, and neither of us wanted to own up to it. She stood staring at us with her left eye struggling to see, not really resembling the woman who had played such a central role in the first seven years of my life. Lindsey snickered at her from an arm chair. I wanted to crawl into the couch cushions with the gum wrapper for allowing such disrespect to play out in my Grandmother's home.
No one had treated her that way. And, at an immature age, of course I didn't know how to make restitution, I just chuckled along with Lindsey and tried to play it off.

I think it would have been less impressionable had her waning health not shown itself. Now, I look back and hope that she knew how much I truly adored her. How I wish she could have been at my wedding, or met our son. My great desire is that I will remember all of our jovial moments and put this one incident to rest. For regret will eat away at the soul.

Judging Others...

I'm guilty. I admit it. I've judged, and judged, and judged some more. When one gets married, the judging only increases except now there is a partner in crime who happens to be like minded. By God's grace, Caleb and I are constantly having truths about life exposed to us. The Holy Spirit continues to convict us of how we too are flawed and need to "remove the plank out of our own eye."

After social evenings, Caleb likes to have a cigar and process his more philosophical thoughts out loud to me. I try to keep my drowsiness at bay as I find his candidness both refreshing and interesting. I feel blessed that he always arrives at the mantra of our lives which is, we need Jesus. Everything in our life should point to Jesus and we should bring glory to him by the way we LOVE. It's too easy to fall into the trap of judging other couples when you're married, or engaged people, or how others choose to raise their kids. Caleb reminded me recently that we shouldn't spend our time discussing our opinions on the people in our life as soon as we're behind closed doors. We should simply aim to LOVE them, and love them well.

I doubt we could possibly muster the amount of grace it would take to coexist with others peacefully at all times. We need the Lord. Driscoll often preaches that there are open handed issues in the church (attire, alcohol, indie rock, etc) and there are closed handed issues (Jesus is God). The open handed issues are secondary and ultimately have the propensity to cause division. In our marriage, we have really learned a lot from two very mature and godly couples who do not push their agenda on others. They love, and let live- if I can rewrite the cliche a little bit! Caleb wisely informed me that we will never "arrive" as a couple, and we probably wouldn't even know if we were at that place where we feel our mentors are. He told me that, the scariest thing of all, is that we have judged people in our lives creating blinders to some of our own flaws. The matters that we are passionate about are for us, and we must fervantly strive to care for those subjects respectfully.

There is no one right way to do things. No perfect financial plan, dietary plan, parenting plan, or cadence for how to live. I am trying to adopt this ideology so that Jesus can be exemplified in my life. God knew that I would need a man who allowed the Holy Spirit to work in his life and therefore those changes in his heart would trickle down to me. It's really challenging for me to guard my tongue at times. Kymm in high school would drive the point home with people until they were either offended, or belittled, or both. I was by definition, a jerk with a big mouth.
I think my family expects that person, and by God's grace, my heart is being transformed. It may be a long bumpy road, but I am submitting my life to the authority of scripture and the counsel of my husband. I don't want my initial responses to my friends and family to be an adjudication of how they choose to live. I pray that the Lord strips me of a haughty disposition.

It's going to be a long journey...


~To Kendra & Josh...David & Michelle....thank you for being instrumental in our life!~

Spiritual Gifts

My women's group has been going through 1 Corinthians, while simultaneously listening to a podCast from Mars Hill. I am enjoying it very much, as I think it is a highly sought after book in the Bible, and of course, I couldn't ask for a better podCast series.
We have arrived at chapter 12...and it I am beginning to see where my opinion not only varies, but could almost be taken as alarming apathy toward Spiritual Gifts. I would suggest that my demeanor derives from many years at a church that doesn't place tremendous emphasis on Spiritual Gifts-yet doesn't negate that they exist. For me, I've really been conditioned to think-it's all about Jesus...it's only about Jesus...it's always about Jesus.
I haven't really given the other facets that accompany "Christianity" a second thought. I don't care what man can do. Even if the Lord gives another person a gift, I am not taken aback by it, because I am a little more skeptical...cynical...and don't focus too much on what people do.
I want to know the heart of Christ. Yes, at the end of Chapter 12, Paul (not Jesus), directs us to desire the gifts, however I feel the gifts themselves take on more controversy, and a deep yearning by cessationists than the longing that should ONLY be for Christ himself.
I DO believe that Spiritual Gifts are important to living out the Gospel in a humble, as my friend Angie would say: "non-flashy" way. When Driscoll preached on this subject, he inferred that we can look at our lives, see our aptitudes, and probably discern our personal gifting.
We should strive to operate under the power of the Holy Spirit so much, that we allow him to convict us of how to use our gifts in certain capacities. Gifts will be different during different seasons. I grew up singing in church from age 5 until 21...and then I felt at peace about now being in music ministry and taking up a toilet scrubber at Mars Hill, and coordinating my Community Group. I have tremendous peace about where God chooses to use me in different seasons. I am (hopefully not offensively) against Spiritual Gifts Tests for a host of reasons; they could be inaccurate, people take them for gold, they focus on the individual. The Bible doesn't tell us to figure out what our Spiritual Gifts are so that we can solely rely on them to witness or live a godly life. Knowing God...deeply longing for his heart, and extending grace is the best witness of all, and the most difficult thing to do. Sure, having a the gift of discernment will allow one to choose their company wisely, or flee from evil, but it is only part of what we are called to do.
"The greater way," as Paul describes it segueing into chapter 13, is to LOVE. Because God is love. Instead of really living out chapter 13, which tells us how to love, and that we will only have knowledge "in part," Christians are often still hung up on chapter 12 and the understanding of Spiritual Gifts.
Am I wrong for being seemingly irritated by this issue? I do think there is importance around the subject, but it is not the end goal as so many churches teach. Yes, I feel it should be taught, but always as a means to point to Christ, and him crucified.